4 months ago today my doctor walked into my hospital room and said our time was up and that I would have to deliver our twin boys 9 weeks early or risk my life and theirs. To this day I have not watched the video of their birth (via c-sec) but maybe today, I will.
These past four months have been a whilrwind of emotions and I have yet to come to terms with the fact that my body just could not keep my babies in longer. Long enough to avoid a NICU stay, long enough for the little guy' lungs to fully develop, and long enough to avoid all the pain and suffering we all had to go through those first 2 months. And while it has gotten easier over time, I don't think that feeling of guilt will ever go away. There will always be the what ifs: what if I hadn't walked so much, what if I had stopped working sooner, what if I had eaten better. My doctor keeps telling me there is nothing I could have done to prevent the pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome but I'm not entirely convinced.
I have been looking at photos to remind myself how far we've come and it makes me so happy to see how well they are both doing now. Mostly the little guy, since he had a more difficult road to "here".
Today I wake up to two smiling, cooing babies who can breathe and eat without any gadgets or machines. Most people don't even think of these things but for us this is a huge accomplishment, and for that we are blessed. Now when people look at our family all they see are "twins!" and they have no idea what it took to bring these boys into this world and keep them here.
I love them more than I ever imagined I could love something and I will never take any second I have with them forgranted.
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Happy Four Months! You certainly have come a long way.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the journey! We appreciate your stories and are learning from you! Your boys are adorable!
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard when thinking about the life of your child not to play the woulda-shoulda-coulda game but I am 100% possitive you did everything in your power to keep the boys inutero as long as possible. I'm glad you are finally able to enjoy them at home and see them happy and thriving. They are perfect! Happy 4 months!
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