Our New Normal

Yesterday as I got up to get ready it hit me that this is our new "normal". From now on, everyday that I go to work will be another day I am missing with my boys. While the logistics of leaving are getting easier, emotionally its getting harder... and not just for me. As I was nursing the big guy before leaving, I noticed he was lingering and taking more time just staring at me and not really eating. Usually he eats and then is smiling and ready to play. Yesterday he just wanted to be held a little longer. I let him decide when he was done, even if it meant I would leave a little later...I knew something was up.

When my mom got there I told her that I thought today might be a little harder on him so to call me if she had trouble with him and I'd come home early. I did my usual quick goodbye and went off to another day at the office.

My day went ok, though I felt a little sadder than the first day. I did my usual three pumpings and actually got some work done. I even went to a meeting with my new boss, though I don't start my new job until next week.

I kept checking in with my mom and the first half of the day was fine, but she did mention that the big guy was a little fussy. Luckily the little guy took some good naps and went down without a fuss so she was able to give the big guy more time in arms before putting him down.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but the boys have started associating me with the word "Mama". Whenever anybody says "Mama" they both smile and look in my direction. On New Years Eve, the big guy finally said "Mama" twice. Since then he has only said it a few more times, but each time looks at me and if he is close enough he will pat my chest as he says it. My mom hadn't witnessed this and tries to get him to say it whenever I'm around, but he won't.

Yesterday as she was putting him down for his afternoon nap he started to cry, which he rarely does. She said it was the saddest cry she had ever heard and what made it worse... he started calling out for his "Mama"....over and over and over again. My mom cried.

I called her around 3pm when I was on my last pumping break and she told me first that the boys were fine and asleep and then she told me about the big guy. As she was telling me she started to cry again. She said she felt so bad for him but that she didn't want me to come home because he was fine, just missing me. I cried.

I ended up leaving right after I was done pumping, which was only about an hour early. When I got home they were both asleep and my mom had the big guy in the mo.by and was just walking around with him as he slept.

Everyday, my wife and I are thankful that we have my mom to watch our boys. We were especially thankful yesterday. She loves them more than any other caretaker could and gives them exactly what they need, even if it is a little harder on her. The good thing is, they usually take turns being needy so it works out.

I was reading some blogs last night about what it takes to get out the door when you have to shuttle your baby/kid/kids off to daycare and still make it to "start" your day at work. I don't think I even realized how much more work that would be if we had to pack up two babies and ourselves every morning and drive them somewhere. With my mom coming to us everyday, if the boys are sleeping they can stay sleeping, if they are playing they get to stay playing. We don't have to change them out of their jammies, pack any of their things, and they get to stay home in their own environment with their own toys, cribs, etc. I thought my morning was crazy just trying to get me out the door with all my pumping gear, food, drinks, etc. I had no idea how much harder it could be.

So Mom if you are reading this: THANK YOU. We love you and the boys love you...more than you know.

Baby Steps

Every year we have a Christmas dinner party with a group of about 10 of my very good friends. We started this tradition in high school (that is how long we have known eachother) and it used to be hosted by one of our moms each year. Over the last 12 years or so, we have been hosting it ourselves, every year in a different one of our homes.

For the last 2 years my wife and I hosted it in our home. We live pretty centrally to everyone and we enjoyed putting it together. This year, I decided hosting it at our place wouldn't work out for us with the boys. For several reasons, one being that 10-12 people in my house at once exceeds my germ quota (which right now -in the middle of RSV season- is about 2-3 people max - including us) and I would not be able to concentrate, and 2, the boys need to be able to go to sleep as they usually do and need quiet to do so.

Luckily, one of the girls happily took on the responsibility and offered up her place. Which brought on another issue....leaving the boys so we can BOTH go to this party. *sigh* I hate leaving the boys.

I never imagined it would be so hard...and if you've read back to "A Long Day" you will see that our first night out without the boys did not go so well.

Now that the boys are a bit older and have a pretty good routine going we decided to try again. This time, my mom offered to watch them on her own, and since they are most comfortable with her than anyone else, we agreed.

The party was last night, and while we were having a really good time, I still couldn't help but worry that the boys were not.

We expected that the little guy would fall asleep quickly, as he usually does, and the big guy would need to be in arms until I came home. He is much more of a Mama's boy and really has a hard time when I'm gone. I can just tell from the look on his face when I get home that he has missed me dearly. My mom is very aware of this and was prepared to carry him in the Mo.by for as long as he needed it. This is the only reason I went at all.

Of course, the opposite occurred. The big guy was sooo good, and the lil one, well lets just say not.so.much. I called my mom around 8pm to check on them (we left the house at 6:30pm) and she said he was shouting/squawking at her and the big guy was playing nicely with my little sister (who came along to help out). I immediately offered to come home, but she said not to, that he was fine just not ready for bed. I did my best not to call back, because I know I would want to come home, but I asked my mom to text me with status updates.

The lil one ended up fighting her to go to bed and the big guy gave her no problems at all. By 10pm (2 hours later than usual) I got a text message that the boys were asleep. Which was right before I was about to leave to come home. We ended up staying until almost 11 since we knew the boys were ok and played a few games of Ta.boo.

When we got home they were still asleep and I was able to pump and go right to bed. It was really nice to get out and we were really thankful that my mom was able to watch the boys for us, but it melts my heart to think that the lil one had such a hard time. I'm glad we don't have any other plans to go out for a while and I hope that next time, they can be asleep before we leave so that my mom can just sit there and read or something until we get home.

Its funny that I never thought I'd be THIS mom, the one who doesn't like to leave her kids, that worries every second. I'm not sure if its because I was traumatized by the two months they spent in the NICU or if I would be this way even if we had a nice full-term, non-eventful delivery and brought our babies home 3 days after birth. I guess will never know. All I do know is that alot changes when you have kids. Everyday I learn something about myself that I didn't know was there.

I know I'm over protective and I expected that before I even got pregnant. Some would say I go overboard, and sometimes (most of the time) that is probably true, but I love these boys with every piece of me and I just can't help it. When I see other moms with their day-old newborns out and about I wish for just a small piece of their obliviousness. I wish I could be care-free and not have to worry about every little detail. But, it seems like as they get older, there is always something new to fear.

She's Back!

Yesterday was my moms first day back after taking a week off to recuperate. It was bliss!

Of course the boys were easy breezy! They napped for like 2.5 hours straight (a rare event) and were just so happy and playful! It also seems like all of a sudden they have gotten more patient and more independent. They didn't even cry once ALL DAY yesterday (another rarity), although I did get squawked at once or twice. I think they just missed grandma!

I was able to pump several times a day, without interruption, eat, clean and SHOWER! You wouldn't believe how nice it is to shower during sunlight hours! I even made dinner, oh and did I mention I took a NAP! *sigh* I love my mom!

As we do everyday, we took more pictures of the boys in their new jammies. We have been buying them different halloween jammies since they won't be going trick or treating this year, and while they do have costumes already, we decided we'd just take pictures of them all month long in their different outfits.

These pictures were right before nap time so the boys weren't amused, but I love the blue/brown combo and if you don't get a picture fast enough, you may miss your chance! They go through more outfits than JLo!

The fun parts...

Now, after that seemingly "all work and no play" schedule, I thought I'd highlight one of the many plus sides to having twins.

When the weather permits, and the boys are fed, changed and tired of playing, we go for a walk. Now that they are older, they love to go for walks and look around. We usually walk within our gated community and always make a pit stop at my moms house. Since she has been home resting for a week, she has been having "baby withdrawals", and when I mentioned we'd be swinging by, she and Nana were outside waiting with camera in hand!

The boys were excited to see them, and were chatting up a storm. I love to see them interact with her, and they love them some grandma! Its cute to see their little faces when they recognize someone. They just stare for awhile and then it hits them like "hey, I remember you!". I love it!

Walking serves several purposes but most importantly, the sun makes them sleepy which usually means we all get a little nap when we get back. (and nap time is another one of my favorite activites!)

Here are some more pics from todays walk.


Getting ready to go!

Back home: a little sunshine always puts them in a good mood!

Family

My wife and I both have small families. We don't have much extended family (that we are close to) and really only have our moms (I have my Dad but he's out of the country) and siblings (I have one little sister and she has one older brother). Our moms are super supportive of both our relationship and our decision to start our family, and in that alone we are blessed. We are both really really close to our moms.

As for siblings, my little sister is only 11, but loves my wife and was really excited when we told her we were having twins. My wifes brother is 40 and married with 2 kids. They are religious, and although not in agreement with our lifestyle, they respect our relationship and were excited for our boys. I don't expect they will play a major role in our kids lives, and I'm ok with that.

I've always been pretty independent and am used to handling things on my own and not relying on others for help. That being said, these last 3 months have been a roller coater ride of events and I don't think we could have made it without the love and support of our moms. I'm especially thankful that my mom lives so close to us (like 10 houses away in our same community). When I first found out we were having twins I panicked, but knowing she would be taking care of them when we went back to work helped ease my fears. As you can imagine day care for two can get expensive, and after everything we have been through, the last thing I wanted was to leave my babies with a stranger again. I know not everyone has their moms willing to quit their jobs to care for their baby so for this we are super grateful.

My mom has been a really big help to us. She comes over and cleans our house from top to bottom, sends us leftovers, and helps us with the babies ALL THE TIME! She even committed to coming over at 6am twice a week for a few hours so my wife can coach her soccer team (and she's not even on the clock yet!). She isn't officially watching the babies until late August when my wife goes back to work, and then it will be her and I until I go back to work, and then its just her... so for now she is in "training". So far she is able to change, feed, and comfort both babies, and they love her. She just started preparing their bottles on her own (we have too add in the breastmilk fortifier to give the boys extra calories and nutrients since they missed their last 2 months in utero) and giving the little guy his meds, breathing treatments, and vitamin. She is doing awesome. Not that I expected anything less (my lil sister was a preemie and had her apnea monitor when she came home) but it was tough for us and we are the mommies, its a lot to ask of grandma.

The best thing about my mom is she understands me and my ways. I don't have to sugarcoat and she doesn't take it personally when I need my space. She isn't overly smothering and doesn't step on our toes. When the boys were first born, I went through a phase of not wanting to see anyone, including her, and not letting anyone see the boys until they were out of their incubators. She completely understood and kept her distance. She called me everyday to see how we were all doing but stayed away until I was outta my funk. She never complained, and as soon as I wanted her there, she was. Just. Like. That.

My wife gets mad because I don't always thank her and tell her I love her (the way she does with her mom) but that's just not our way. I'm not a super mushy "I love you" kinda person and neither is my mom. But we both know the feeling is mutual. I have never needed my mom more than I do now, and I do love her and appreciate her more than ever.

My Mother-In-Law (MIL) is the complete opposite. She says "I Love You" a thousand times a day to everyone except the postman, and she means it (she also really doesn't like the postman-but that's a different story). She is my wifes biggest fan (second to me of course) and though they say otherwise, still spoils her rotten. She is very super thoughtful and remembers every important date. She even knows when our dog Lucy first barked (which took a while)!

It took me a bit to get comfortable with the constant "loving" cause its just not my style, and sometimes it is still too much for me, but I do appreciate the fact that she love us and just wants us to know it. She is very protective of us, our relationship and especially of our boys, and its sweet. She would do anything for us.

She is always thinking about us and what she could do to make things easier on us. She loves to shop and always find us stuff we don't even know we need! Since we have been spending most our days in our bedroom with the babies, she set out to make it more comfortable for us, and went out and bought us a whole new bedding (complete with a comforter set, sheets, pillows, and even those chair pillows to support our backs while feeding) and we were so so thankful. Its amazing how something so simple could completely change your mood!

She helps us out with errands (since we don't leave the house much), bottle washing and even brings us groceries. She is pretty good about knowing what we need without us having to ask (I hate to ask for help, but with twins, you really need it!). She reads baby books and magazines to find useful tips and baby items we may need and never forgets to pick up a lil something for our first babies (the furry ones).

She lives a little further (about 40 minutes away) so she can't be here everyday like she would like to be and she still works full time. She comes to visit us about twice a week and helps out with the babies while she is here. She is not really hands on, because the boys are still too small for her, but she is learning. Before I got pregnant she swore she would never change a diaper, and not even a month after they were home she was already getting peed on!

I know she wishes she could be here more often, and misses the babies when she isn't. We love her for all she does for us, and for being our number one supporter... But mostly, I love how she loves them so much.

I've come to realize that with family its not so much quantity as it is about quality. We are lucky to have two amazing moms, examples of who we want to be for our boys, and I wouldn't trade them for a hundred other family members. They are my constant reminder of how truly lucky we are and how no matter how old, smart, or independent you think you are, a girl will always need her mom.