Our New Normal

Yesterday as I got up to get ready it hit me that this is our new "normal". From now on, everyday that I go to work will be another day I am missing with my boys. While the logistics of leaving are getting easier, emotionally its getting harder... and not just for me. As I was nursing the big guy before leaving, I noticed he was lingering and taking more time just staring at me and not really eating. Usually he eats and then is smiling and ready to play. Yesterday he just wanted to be held a little longer. I let him decide when he was done, even if it meant I would leave a little later...I knew something was up.

When my mom got there I told her that I thought today might be a little harder on him so to call me if she had trouble with him and I'd come home early. I did my usual quick goodbye and went off to another day at the office.

My day went ok, though I felt a little sadder than the first day. I did my usual three pumpings and actually got some work done. I even went to a meeting with my new boss, though I don't start my new job until next week.

I kept checking in with my mom and the first half of the day was fine, but she did mention that the big guy was a little fussy. Luckily the little guy took some good naps and went down without a fuss so she was able to give the big guy more time in arms before putting him down.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but the boys have started associating me with the word "Mama". Whenever anybody says "Mama" they both smile and look in my direction. On New Years Eve, the big guy finally said "Mama" twice. Since then he has only said it a few more times, but each time looks at me and if he is close enough he will pat my chest as he says it. My mom hadn't witnessed this and tries to get him to say it whenever I'm around, but he won't.

Yesterday as she was putting him down for his afternoon nap he started to cry, which he rarely does. She said it was the saddest cry she had ever heard and what made it worse... he started calling out for his "Mama"....over and over and over again. My mom cried.

I called her around 3pm when I was on my last pumping break and she told me first that the boys were fine and asleep and then she told me about the big guy. As she was telling me she started to cry again. She said she felt so bad for him but that she didn't want me to come home because he was fine, just missing me. I cried.

I ended up leaving right after I was done pumping, which was only about an hour early. When I got home they were both asleep and my mom had the big guy in the mo.by and was just walking around with him as he slept.

Everyday, my wife and I are thankful that we have my mom to watch our boys. We were especially thankful yesterday. She loves them more than any other caretaker could and gives them exactly what they need, even if it is a little harder on her. The good thing is, they usually take turns being needy so it works out.

I was reading some blogs last night about what it takes to get out the door when you have to shuttle your baby/kid/kids off to daycare and still make it to "start" your day at work. I don't think I even realized how much more work that would be if we had to pack up two babies and ourselves every morning and drive them somewhere. With my mom coming to us everyday, if the boys are sleeping they can stay sleeping, if they are playing they get to stay playing. We don't have to change them out of their jammies, pack any of their things, and they get to stay home in their own environment with their own toys, cribs, etc. I thought my morning was crazy just trying to get me out the door with all my pumping gear, food, drinks, etc. I had no idea how much harder it could be.

So Mom if you are reading this: THANK YOU. We love you and the boys love you...more than you know.