Almost There

We started the babies on whole milk this past week and things are going well. They both didn't love it and the little guy especially did NOT like it initially so we had to change up the plan a bit. We had wanted to move them to sippy cups while moving to whole milk but it didn't work out. They didn't like it, and they aren't as coordinated as I had thought, spilling most of the milk (which could have been on purpose). Either way, I wasn't comfortable not knowing how much they were actually drinking, so we decided to first transition them to whole milk and then work on getting rid of the bottles.

The first day, for every bottle they got 5 ounces of breastmilk and 1 ounce of wholemilk. We increased their whole milk by one ounce every 2nd day, slowly decreasing the amount of breastmilk. They would drink it all, though not as enthusiastically as they did their breastmilk. As of yesterday they get a full 6 ounces of whole milk in each bottle. Since I still have to pump, they get all breastmilk in their last bottle...which secretly makes me happy.

As for pumping, its been easier than I thought to cut out some pumping sessions. I'm glad I did it while on vacation because it was a bit uncomfortable and I had some seriously ridiculous boobs. I felt like a hooker, no joke. I'm down to one pumping session per day, which is so so nice. I get more time to play with the babies, and sleep, and just do anything else other than PUMP.

I still nurse the big guy at night, and will continue doing so until he is ready to wean. Its not a big deal anymore as I barely even wake up to nurse him. The sleep issues were mostly related to having to get up every 4 hours to pump. Now that I only pump once, I do it in the morning before I get ready for work, so it doesn't interfere with my day and the boys are sleeping anyway.

Emotionally it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I don't think I'll miss the pumping but I am already missing being able to give them breastmilk. Part of me feels guilty for stopping since I had the supply. It also feels kind of wasteful, if that makes sense. I used to pump about 100 ounces, then went down to 50 and now I'm pumping about 15 ounces in one session. I'm probably producing enough for one baby if you count the night nursing. So strange. I've never had so little milk before. I know someday there isn't going to be any milk for the big guy to have at night and the thought of it makes me sad. I'm cherishing our nursing sessions so much more now.

My wife reminds me that this is all part of the process and their growing up, but I'm already missing it. I don't like this growing up part one bit.

We Made It!

June 12th was the twins' original due date. As you all know they were born 9 weeks early on April 10th. My original goal was to exclusively breastfeed them until their first birthday, and IF I could, until their gestational birthday (June 12th). Today is June 15th and I'm sitting here at my desk pumping before I jump in the shower and get ready for work.

We were supposed to start giving the boys whole milk this weekend, but got busy and forgot! We want to start on a weekend in case they have any reactions to it, or spit it out! Hopefully we can remember to start this weekend.

Its an amazing feeling to say that I've exclusively breastfed/pumped for twins for over 14 months! I never thought I'd actually make it this far, and there were plenty times I almost didn't! I don't think many people realize how much you sacrifice to bfeed twins, and how much sleep I've given up just to do so. I know I've been really lucky to have had an ample milk supply without needing any drugs, and I don't take that forgranted for a second.

I'm now struggling with the idea of when to wean. If the boys like whole milk than the little guy will probably transition just fine. He has been getting Expressed Breast Milk (EBM) for months now and doesn't breastfeed directly. The big guy on the other hand, still nurses exclusively when we are together and only takes bottles of EBM when I'm at work. For the most part I can give him bottles of EBM if I need to during the day, but at night HE MUST NURSE! I don't want to force him to wean, but I also don't want to be nursing a four year old to sleep. I keep thinking one day he just won't want it anymore but I really don't see that happening.

At this point there is no rush as we are all getting much more sleep, but with the transition to whole milk comes the transition to sippy/straw cups and good riddance to Dr. Brown! We are going to keep their whole milk separate from their breastmilk so that they get used to the taste, and we are going to only give them whole milk in a cup. We'll start with 2-4 ounces a day and slowly increase from there. As they get more whole milk and less breastmilk, we will get rid of the bottles. My goal is to be done with bottles by the boys 18 month birthday.

The other factor that plays into this is my weird, never expected, sadness over the end of my nursing relationship with both boys. Even though the little guy doesn't nurse directly anymore, I still feel like I'm connecting with him by giving him breastmilk. I actually have to put more work in for him since pumping is such a task as compared to nursing. As for the big guy, I really am going to miss nursing him and laying with him and rubbing his chubby little feet while we nurse. I'm sure its normal, but it just seems like I've been counting down for so long, that now that I'm here I'm wishing I could just pause for a few months and enjoy them a little longer. I think its just another sign that our babies are getting older and soon they won't be babies anymore.

Happy Memorial Day!

This weekend we introduced the boys to the summer by spending every day in the pool and they LOVED it! The weather has been great and last year we didn't get out at all, so we are making up for lost time and getting some color back on our skin!

We were invited over to our friends' place for swimming and some BBQ to celebrate Memorial Day. As part of my initiative to start taking the boys out more, I said yes. We weren't sure how they would be, since they hadn't ever been in a pool, so Saturday and Sunday we made it our mission to "practice" with them. We took them to our own pool first to see if they would like it and, as expected they loved every minute.

Once we lathered them up with sunscreen (their least favorite part) and got their suits on, into their floaties they went. We got them these floaties with canopies over them which worked wonderfully and kept them out of the direct sun. We were also working on keeping their hats on as practice for our mini vacation later this month. With their light skin, and the big guy's light hair (and lack thereof), we really want them to start wearing hats when they go out. They usually leave them on for all of 5 seconds and them throw them off, but we learned that if we distract them quickly after putting it on, they'll leave it alone.

I loved being able to relax in the pool watching the boys enjoy the water. My wife and I have such a good system going that we were both able to swim, eat, and enjoy being out with the babies and our friends. The boys are so much easier now and were really good babies. They ate, played, swam and went down for their mid-afternoon naps on a blanket on the grass. Ah the life of a baby... I wish I remember what it was like!

We're Back!

Ok, I know its been months, and I just haven't had the energy to gather my thoughts and post something. Its 5am here now, and this is my best attempt at getting this blog up to date.

Lets start with the biggest news: THE TWINS ARE ONE! Holy monkey! We have one year old TWINS! It is still amazing to me that we were lucky to get TWO babies. I still have no idea when that will wear off.

The big guy is walking...or should I say RUNNING all day long! The little on, my little pajarito, is still a going at his own pace, but walking is definitely on the horizon. He cruises along anything he can hold on to, but is just hesitant to let go and try on his own. I've been taking his hands and walking with him, slowly releasing my grip so that he's really walking on his own and as long as his hands are touching mine, he is good, but as soon as I let go he goes down! Yesterday he was watching his brother jammin all over the place and he finally let go and took 2 steps on his own, so I know pretty soon we are going to be in big trouble. :)

They are both talking up a storm (in their own language of course) and I'm wondering if they do it on purpose to keep us guessing. In English they say: Mama, Nana, Toot (hahaha), Hi, Bye (or "Ba"), and they do the cookie monster laugh! Which totally cracks us up! The big guy is also saying "wow wow", which is how we refer to our dogs.

On the health front, we made it a whole year without them getting sick and then, not only did they catch something but I ended up in emergency with both of them (while my wife stayed home with the other) within a week apart - so NOT fun. The big guy had croup, which sounds scarier than it is and he was wheezing and uncomfortable, he even woke himself up from a nap struggling to breathe (hence the emergency room visit). They gave him a breathing treatment and steroids to help open up his lungs and within days he was good as new. Of course, I panicked wondering if the little guy was going to catch it, and how badly it would be for him given his lung issues. We tried our best to keep them separated, and disinfected everything, to no avail. Luckily, when he did finally get sick a week later, he didn't get croup, just a cold. I ended up taking him to the ER because he started having retractions again (where his breathing causes big indentations under his rib cage) which he hadn't done since he had been taken off the oxygen. I thought for sure we'd have to put him back on, but again, it looked scarier than it was. His oxygenation levels were in the mid 90's so he was getting all the oxygen he needed, just working harder to get it.

I was a wreck, mostly because we were so close to the official end of RSV season and the boys were doing so well. I had this silly notion that I'd be able to protect them forever, which proved impossible no matter what I did. I am happy that at least they were bigger and stronger, and survived just fine without having to be admitted into the hospital, but I don't want them to be sick again for a long LONG time. It is just too stressful, and I'm still exhausted from their being born! ha!

Now on to the only thing since pregnancy that I have been able to control, Breastfeeding. Yes, the boys are still drinking breastmilk exclusively (in addition to solid foods now) and have not had any cow's milk yet. I can't believe we made it to a year! I calculated that I have spent roughly 2300 hours of my life pumping! and that doesn't include the hours on end of nursing day and night.

I still nurse the big guy when we are together and the little guy gets bottles of expressed breastmilk from my wife. When I am at work they both get bottles from my mom with no problems. Since they are eating 3-4 meals a day, plus snacks, their milk intake has dropped to 20-25 ounces each, which is about half of what they used to drink. It has been so nice to not have the pressure of pumping 80-100 ounces a day!

My ultimate goal was June 12th (the babies' due date) since that is when they "really" turn one. So far, it looks like I'm on my way to achieving that goal, and then some. If I didn't have to pump and could just nurse I'd do it alot longer, but lugging my pumping gear, coolers, bottles, etc. to work everyday is really a pain in the butt, and I just don't know how much longer I can do it. So as of June 12th we will officially be transitioning over to cow's milk. Hopefully their little bodies can handle it and they won't have any adverse reactions to it. If all goes well, I will start decreasing my pumping as they increase their cow's milk intake and I think by August I will be done, for a total of 16 months of breastfeeding twins. Crazy! I never thought I'd make it and as we got closer to a year I started to set goals by the day rather than the week because I was just so exhausted.

Lastly, we took their one year photos with the same photographer from last time so I will be posting those shortly. They have both grown so much in the last 6 months, and are so much fun. We take them with us everywhere now, and they are such good babies. They eat, nap and play pretty much on schedule no matter where we are, so its been much easier to go places. We took them to get their first hair cut shortly after they turned one, which the little guy needed desperately (their photos are pre-haircut) and they didn't like it one bit! I was sad. They no longer look like babies, now they are little boys.

Happy Valentines Day!

(I know, this post is sooo late!)

Valentines Day with the boys was great! We took them to the park and let them sit on and touch the grass for the second time in their lives! The big guy loved it and was trying to pluck it out! The little guy wasn't so excited about it. He would crawl to the end of the blanket and put one hand on the grass, then quickly pull it back and make the "yucky" face like he was eating green beans! It was the funniest thing! He would go to every end of the blanket like "damn its on all sides!"

We planned to spend as much time as the boys could tolerate there. It ended up being ALL DAY LONG! We left because WE were tired! We got there at 10:30am and left at 4:30pm. The boys had their breakfast and lunch there, along with 2 milk feedings. My wife bottlefed the lil guy while I nursed the big guy under a light blanket and they both took 2 pretty good naps. I was able to rock them while sitting on the ground (which worked my abs at the same time!) and then lay them to sleep on the blanket or just hold them in my arms. The weather was great, which is probably why they slept for so long.

They are getting so much easier to take out and we are really enjoying it so much more. It helps that they are really easy babies, so long as they are fed they are happy! They are also really easy to put to sleep. As soon as I see the sleepy signs, I start rocking and within minutes they are out!

The hardest part about outings is packing. They have so much stuff! We are currently in the market for a new vehicle, a much bigger vehicle, so hopefully that will make trips out a little less chaotic. We have a smaller SUV now, and its just not cutting it. The double stroller alone takes up most of our cargo space! I usually nurse while sitting in the back seat between the carseats and its very cramped to say the least. Soon we will be getting the bigger carseats, and while I can probably squeeze my butt back there, it won't be roomy enough to try and nurse the big guy!

10 Months!

Here we go again.... Its been a long and exhausting month. I've been back to work a little over a month now, and its HARD. I love my new job, but leaving my baby boys every morning hasn't gotten much easier. I miss them more than I ever thought I could, and spending just a few hours a day with them has been really tough. The idea of work-life balance seems less like "balance" and more like a "trade-off". I'm still finding my stride, but for now this is the best I can do. My days are super long, and some days blend right in with the next depending on how demanding the babies are when we get home. I am constantly amazed at how well I am able to function on little to no sleep!

The boys have adjusted nicely to the new routine, and while Mondays are harder on them, they have been really good boys. They are both crawling, pulling themselves up on furniture, and the big guy is standing pretty much on his own. We think he will be walking very very soon!

They babble all day long, and the little guy is clapping up a storm. He even found this crazy scream that scares his brother, makes him cry and then he claps for him. Its cute and mean at the same time!

They have been eating solids for about the last 3 months, though we got off to a really slow start. The first 2 months was mainly rice cereal and oatmeal, but this last month we have really made some progress. So far they have had: green beans, sweet potato, regular potato, green squash, yellow squash, carrots, asparagus, apples, bananas, peaches, blueberries, pears, avocado, and chicken. This week they will add mango, peas, pasta and ground meat. They are eating solids three times a day in addition to their milk, and they love food! We bought this baby food making machine and it works great! I usually make their food for the week on Sunday evening and store it in these trays especially for baby food that look like ice trays but have lids and a labeling surface that you can write on with dry-erase markers. They are really easy to stack in either the fridge or freezer and make meal planning so much easier. Yes... I MAKE THEIR FOOD! Again, if you know me in real life, you are probably wondering what the hell happened to the "old" non-cooking, non-domesticated me. Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine my self as a baby-wearing, breastfeeding, home-made-babyfood-making mama of TWINS! Crazy right? Its amazing what being a mom can do to a girl. ;)

We are starting to introduce finger foods, and so far so good. So far they have only had sweet potato "puffs" that we bought at the store, and they are doing well with them. I am going to start moving away from mushing everything to allowing them small pieces to self-feed. We'll see how that goes! I think this is where the dogs will come in for clean-up duty.

As for their milk, they take about 5 ounces each, every three hours throughout the day and are still exclusively on breast milk! I think at this point I am fairly confident that I will make my one year goal, and probably can go longer if I can manage the pumping at work. My milk supply dipped a little when I first started back at work, but has slowly increased now that I have found my routine.

In other news this month also marks the return of aunt flow. Yup, the bitch is back! I got a nice 10 months and though I was hoping she wouldn't show her face until I was done breastfeeding, I'll take what I can get.

So I think that about wraps it up! In two short months I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of the birth of our twin boys, and my becoming a Mama. While we are still in survival mode, everyday it gets easier. I'm still utterly in love with these two little people we have created and still in disbelief that they are here. I have loved every second of being a Mama, so much so that we have already started talking about baby number THREE. I won't go into details now, but we are definitely in agreement that we will be trying for our third by the time the boys are about to start pre-school. Stay tuned...

p.s. As soon as we get our hard drive back I will be updating our pictures. The boys have certainly changed since Christmas!

Reminiscing

Going back to work has made me feel like I did when the twins first came home from the hospital...EXHAUSTED!

Though I really love my new job, by the time I get there, I already feel like I worked a full day. Since I have to pump for two, I am still having to get up throughout the night/early morning to pump so that I can leave enough milk for both without having to go into our freezer storage (which I am saving for emergency use only). The boys each get 5 ounces every 3 hours plus three snacks which consist of either rice cereal, oatmeal, or solid foods mixed with about 2 ounces of milk (solids need less milk) bringing their milk intake to a whopping 40 ounces JUST for the time that I am at work. So while everyone is asleep, I MUST drag my butt out of bed to pump.

My day officially starts at 4-4:30am when I start my second pumping of the day (I also pump at 1am), by 5am I am supposed to be in the shower and getting ready for work. This may or may not happen depending on whether one or two babies are awake and in need of breakfast. My wife and I switch off with baby duties so we can both get ready for work. She leaves before I do, so I have to do the stuff I can't do while alone with them before she leaves (like pump and shower). Then I juggle getting ready while trying to keep one or both babies entertained long enough before I can rock them back to sleep. She usually gets the lil guy back to sleep before she leaves so that I only have the big guy awake on my own.

My mom gets to our house at 7:30am and usually one or both babies are asleep. I leave as soon as she gets there so that I can be at work by 8am. So far, I've only been late once by like 20 minutes, so my routine is working out pretty well. Once I get to work I go through my email and list of "to dos" and plan my day. By 9am I wheel my very big bag of tricks down to the lactation room for my first pumping of my work day. Luckily, I have a blackberry which is nice because we have an IM system at work so that even though I'm not at my desk I can still connect with the people I need to. I usually take my work with me to the lactation room and do what I can and send out emails. I also use my pumping time to check in on the boys and see how their days are going.

By 10am I am back at my desk. So far I have a ton of meetings to go to so I usually don't get to spend much time actually sitting at my desk. Since 10am is a popular meeting time, I am usually in a meeting until about noon.

Which is my next pumping time, so I run down to the cafeteria to grab some lunch and take it with me to eat while I pump.

By 1pm I am finally able to get some work done (if I'm not in another meeting) and I get through as much of my "to do" list as possible. What I love about my job is that I am surrounded by smart people who are willing to share their knowledge, so I have learned to pick their brains as much as I can.

At around 3pm I go down for my last pumping session of my work day and I try to take reading material with me to wind down. Since I work in the regulatory arena, there are always a multitude of briefs and filings to read, so I always have something new.

When 4pm rolls around I go back to my desk (though lately I've had meetings) and start organizing myself for the next day. I respond to emails, send off any projects I've been working on to the appropriate recipients, and make my "to do" list for the next day. If my boss is in her office, I will check-in with her and then head home.

That is my half way point.

As soon as I walk in the door, I run to my room to change and wash-up (a must after coming home from a germy office where every other person is coughing). Then I spend a little time with the babies and the wife, and try and eat a very quick dinner before I sit down to pump. As soon as I am done pumping I have about an hour of play time with the kiddos before we start their bedtime routine. I usually nurse the big guy til he falls asleep while my wife gives the lil one a bottle. As soon as the big guy falls asleep I jump out of bed and try to catch the lil one before he goes to sleep and if I can, I take over his feeding or rocking so I can get some one-on-one with him too.

Once both babies are asleep its about 9pm and time to pump. I sit at the computer while I pump and talk with my wife about our days. She is usually washing dishes, and going through my work bag to take out the pumping gear I used throughout the day and replace it with freshly washed ones for the next day. As soon as I'm done we head straight to bed. I get about 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (less if the big guy wakes up to nurse) before I have to get up to pump again, and then another 2 hours after that. During the time that I pump my wife sleeps with the big guy and goes back and forth between him and the lil one rocking them back to sleep if they wake up.

At 1am I get up to pump again....rinse and repeat.

While I am very thankful that we are at 9.5 months and I am still able to provide breastmilk exclusively for my boys, I won't pretend that it is by any means easy. There are days that I just want to toss my pump out the window and buy a case of formula on my way home. Of course I come to my senses and continue with my routine, but sometimes just the thought of the freedom from my pump is exciting.

Its not that I think formula is bad, I was formula fed as a baby, its just that being able to breastfeed my babies is the only part of this whole process that I have been able to control - from pregnancy to delivery and beyond, nothing went as planned. This is something I've always wanted to give to my babies, and luckily I have been able to do so, and that is why I stick with it.

So many people have asked how long I plan to breastfeed and saying my goal out loud is very daunting, and so I've changed it. For now, my goal is one week. Every Monday I say to myself that I just need to do it for one more week.

By the end of next week, I will have completed my first month pumping while working. While its been harder than I thought it would be, I've survived so far and hope that I can hang on just a little longer.

And the award for hardest baby in the world to change goes to....

The BIG GUY!

Now that he is more mobile he wants nothing to do with being layed down for a quick diaper change. Don't even try to change his whole outfit because then you WILL see the fire come out of his ears!

Its gotten to the point where I have learned to change him, while on his tummy, crawling away, upside down, while clapping, while he jumps, singing songs, with toys in his hands, etc. The changing table has become obsolete because we are worried he may wriggle out of our hands and fall, so now we just change him on the floor! Fun times!

Fridays

Now that I am back at work, Fridays are my only days alone with my boys. They are 9 months old now and a lot easier to handle on my own, however, I don't really take them anywhere on my own unless its just for a walk in their stroller. I really want to start doing more with them on my Fridays off but I don't really know where to start. Last Friday I was so tired from being back at work that we just hung out at home and didn't even go on a walk. This week I at least want to get back to that.

We live right in the middle of Los Angeles and Orange County so there are tons of places to go and sites to see, I'm trying to start with something easy like an aquarium or something where I can keep them in their stroller and just walk them around to see different things. Not sure how interested they will be at this age but I think they will enjoy a change of scenery.

What kinds of places did you or do you plan to take your baby(ies) to around this age?

9 Months

I almost didn't even realize we were here already! 9 Months... in 90 days we will be having a birthday party for TWINS, OUR twins!

So much has happened in this last month I don't even know where to start. My time as "Stay at Home Mama" has ended and though I miss them more than I ever thought possible, this has been the plan for a while now. "When the boys are 9 months old..." I'm happy that they are bigger and stronger and I think/hope that they are "ready" now. I'm still getting used to the idea of leaving them and don't know if I will ever be "ready", but I'm making the best of it. They are both adjusting ok to being left with my mom at home, and I think it will be just a matter of time before we all find our stride.

The big guy has made one very important milestone, he has said "Mama". He uses it to his advantage, and only says it now when he really wants me to get him and adds in the saddest little face to make me drop whatever it is I am doing to rescue him. He has also started waving at us. Like when he is crawling superfast in a direction he shouldn't be, I am usually calling his name and saying "no, no, no, come over HERE" he will stop and turn and wave at me! Like "bye Mama, I've got things to do over HERE!". Its really cute, though I'm sure that will wear off very soon!

The little guy has met lots of milestones in this month, took his first exam, sits up without falling over, gets on his hands and knees and tries to crawl (he will be on the move any day now), and has become the easiest, happiest baby ever. Only cries when he is hungry, plays for hours with us on the floor, goes down for nice long naps without a fuss, and sleeps through the night! He understands who "Mama" is but hasn't figured out how to say it. Its the thought that counts my lil pajarito!

They are both making their way through veggies and HATE greenbeans! They are tolerating carrots, and will be trying some peas and avocado this week. Still exclusively breastfed, they are growing nice and big and as of yesterday are about 17 pounds each. They haven't been sick not even once in their 9 months of life, and we are half way through the winter here, so just a few more months until we can ease up on the outings.

Speaking of outings, we finally got the courage to take them shopping with us, and they went to Vo.ns and Tar.get. They don't mind their carseats anymore and love going out with us. They were so good in the shopping baskets, although they are still kinda small to ride in the basket part, we used those cart covers and put a few blankets behind them. They loved being able to look around, and since we each had one in our basket, we didn't get all the "twin" oohs and aahs since we spent most of the time divided to conquer. Which is nice. I hate attention and when you go anywhere with twins, everyone wants to see, touch or ask and I'm not that person.

One thing I miss the most about my days at home with my babies is our daily walks. We would walk in our little gated community and the weather was great, everyone was at work so we were never bothered, and it was just me and my little monkeys just like when I was pregnant. Never thought I'd miss being pregnant, but at least I always had them with me.

I love you boys, all 9 months of you!

Home

Today I am home. My work week is Monday through Thursday and I am glad its over! While it went better than I expected, I really missed my boys. Wednesday was a good day for them, they had no issues and went down for naps and had their bottles with no fuss.

Yesterday was a little hard for both of them...I think they both really missed me and just wanted to be in arms. I was going to try and come home early, but I start my new position on Monday and needed to move my stuff over to my new cubicle and that is always a pain. I'm glad I did though, so Monday I can just start fresh without having to run around.

I have pretty much figured out the whole pumping situation. I will pump at 9am, 12pm, and 3pm (unless I have a meeting or something and I will pump around it). I pump for like 45 minutes to completely empty out, which I thought was going to be a problem. But, with my new job I will be totally wired and will have access to email and our network even in the lactation room. So my boss isn't worried about me not being at my desk at all times. Which is nice. I like that I can work from anywhere because I really hate to waste my time just sitting around and it gets really boring in that room.

This morning the boys were so happy when they woke up and realized it was me getting them out of bed. It was so cute! The little guy was laughing for no reason and the big guy kept rubbing my arm and smiling. I brought them to my bed and we all cuddled for a while before starting our morning routine.

This weekend they have their RSV shots and thats pretty much it. I just want to stay home and relax with them. Now that I know what I need to take to work with me I want to prepare my stuff at night so the morning isn't so chaotic. I always feel like I'm forgetting something. I am also going to get one of those wheel cart things to lug all my crap in to work every morning. I decided to take my big pump back and forth. I was going to rent one but even renting for just 3 months will cost me the same as if I were to just buy another one on eb.ay. I also tried taking my Me.dela Pump.In.Style. but that pump just doesn't work for me. I hate that I bought it because it was a total waste since I've only used it like a handful of times in the car. Once I found the car charger for my big pump I've been using that one exclusively.

So there you have it. One week down, and way to many to go!

Our New Normal

Yesterday as I got up to get ready it hit me that this is our new "normal". From now on, everyday that I go to work will be another day I am missing with my boys. While the logistics of leaving are getting easier, emotionally its getting harder... and not just for me. As I was nursing the big guy before leaving, I noticed he was lingering and taking more time just staring at me and not really eating. Usually he eats and then is smiling and ready to play. Yesterday he just wanted to be held a little longer. I let him decide when he was done, even if it meant I would leave a little later...I knew something was up.

When my mom got there I told her that I thought today might be a little harder on him so to call me if she had trouble with him and I'd come home early. I did my usual quick goodbye and went off to another day at the office.

My day went ok, though I felt a little sadder than the first day. I did my usual three pumpings and actually got some work done. I even went to a meeting with my new boss, though I don't start my new job until next week.

I kept checking in with my mom and the first half of the day was fine, but she did mention that the big guy was a little fussy. Luckily the little guy took some good naps and went down without a fuss so she was able to give the big guy more time in arms before putting him down.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but the boys have started associating me with the word "Mama". Whenever anybody says "Mama" they both smile and look in my direction. On New Years Eve, the big guy finally said "Mama" twice. Since then he has only said it a few more times, but each time looks at me and if he is close enough he will pat my chest as he says it. My mom hadn't witnessed this and tries to get him to say it whenever I'm around, but he won't.

Yesterday as she was putting him down for his afternoon nap he started to cry, which he rarely does. She said it was the saddest cry she had ever heard and what made it worse... he started calling out for his "Mama"....over and over and over again. My mom cried.

I called her around 3pm when I was on my last pumping break and she told me first that the boys were fine and asleep and then she told me about the big guy. As she was telling me she started to cry again. She said she felt so bad for him but that she didn't want me to come home because he was fine, just missing me. I cried.

I ended up leaving right after I was done pumping, which was only about an hour early. When I got home they were both asleep and my mom had the big guy in the mo.by and was just walking around with him as he slept.

Everyday, my wife and I are thankful that we have my mom to watch our boys. We were especially thankful yesterday. She loves them more than any other caretaker could and gives them exactly what they need, even if it is a little harder on her. The good thing is, they usually take turns being needy so it works out.

I was reading some blogs last night about what it takes to get out the door when you have to shuttle your baby/kid/kids off to daycare and still make it to "start" your day at work. I don't think I even realized how much more work that would be if we had to pack up two babies and ourselves every morning and drive them somewhere. With my mom coming to us everyday, if the boys are sleeping they can stay sleeping, if they are playing they get to stay playing. We don't have to change them out of their jammies, pack any of their things, and they get to stay home in their own environment with their own toys, cribs, etc. I thought my morning was crazy just trying to get me out the door with all my pumping gear, food, drinks, etc. I had no idea how much harder it could be.

So Mom if you are reading this: THANK YOU. We love you and the boys love you...more than you know.

I Survived...

The day started off pretty well...the boys slept in so my wife and I had time to get ready. My mom came in early just in case I needed help, so we went over a few things that were different (like the boys don't wear jammies with feet anymore cause they can't crawl with them) and I packed some drinks and snacks and was out the door.

It was easier than I expected cause the boys were so happy to see my mom. If they could wave bye to me they would have! Not to mention I left later than I had planned and still needed to get gas so I didn't exactly have time for the long drawn out goodbye I had imagined in my dramatic head.

Once in the car though, I did get sad just thinking of the days activities I was going to miss. I had to give myself a talking to (which consists of going through all the positives in my life "the sky is blue, we are healthy, I have a car to drive and don't have to walk/take the bus" anything I can think of) and settled down. Luckily, I stopped myself just before the tears came rolling so I didn't have to walk in to work looking a wreck. I learned this trick from one of my best friends, I have two and work with both of them- I know lucky right, anyway, its how she got herself to work after leaving her baby girl for the first time.

When I got to work it was already 8:15 and parking was crazy so I had to park super far. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have so much stuff to unload from my car. I was only able to carry half my stuff up and then my feet were killing me! I haven't worn shoes in 9 months (been wearing flip flops at home)...let alone high heels! Luckily above mentioned bff is 7 months pregnant (we'll call her prego bff) and always keeps a pair of walking shoes at her desk so I went over and borrowed them to get the rest of my crap from my car.

Once I finally got to my desk with all my gear, it was 9am and time to pump and I didn't have a key to the lactation room. Of course, both women who are in charge of the keys were on vacation. I IM'd both bffs (because my phone and email were NOT working) to help me find a key or a room or something before I exploded all over my new work clothes. Preggo bff, found me a room to pump and then when I was done, found me a key so I could pump in the lactation room the next round... I love her!

As she gave me the key we made plans for the three of us to go to lunch and then I met my other bff to walk me down to corporate security to get a new badge (I couldn't remember how the hell to get there-I work in a very big building). Of course, badge machine was broken so I had to wait 20 minutes. By the time I was done it was 11:30 and time for lunch. We left for lunch, which was great. I really missed these girls and though they have visited me and the boys since we have been home, I missed the day to day with them. Once we got back I had to pump again, and then finally got to sit at my desk and call IT to restore my access to my email, phone, etc. By the time I was done I had missed my pumping time and decided to just go home and pump there...since it was already 4pm.

So there you have it! I made it almost the whole day and without a tear. I think the craziness of the day kept my mind occupied and didn't allow me the downtime to think of all that I was missing at home. Besides, I had been texting back and forth with my mom throughout all the madness at work to check on the boys and they were doing great! They took their bottles with no problem, went down for their naps, she even had time to play with the babyfood making machine and made them fresh green beans! Which they only took one bite of because they hated them!...but at least they tried them. As for pumping, I had left them more than enough...there were still 4 bottles when I came home and I pumped another 5 bottles at work so that alone was enough for today. I still pumped one more time last night and am pumping again now, so I think I will be ok so long as my supply stays the same.

I actually think today will be much harder because I will have more "downtime" since I'm pretty much settled in now. Its also going to be hard because I already miss the boys since I didn't see them all day yesterday. I hope they do well again today.

The Big Day

So today is the day I go back to work. I've been pretty stressed about it, mostly the part where I am going to try and pump enough milk to keep two growing boys fed. I don't know why I'm so worried about it because I've never really had a supply problem. Its just that its been awhile since I've had to pump exclusively for both.

I've been on a pumping kick and have gone back to the days of pumping every 3 hours around the clock (hence the 2am blogging)...and that's not including the breastfeeding sessions with the big guy! Needless to say, I am also going back to feeling like a cow...pump, feed, pump, feed...repeat. Someone needs to invent a mechanism you can connect to so you can pump while you sleep!

As for the boys, I am sure they are going to be fine. My mom is as ready as she'll ever be to take over the reigns, and though I'm sure they'll miss me, everything else will be a constant in their lives so the transition shouldn't be so hard.

Me? I'm going to have it rough. I don't think it helps that I've been home longer than the average for maternity leave, I almost forgot what the heck I do for a living and what its like to have a career! Also, I've never left the boys for more than a few (2-3) hours at a time, since they have been born. So I am going to miss them like crazy. Months ago I said I'd "practice" leaving them, etc. But, I didn't. That wasn't a fun game for me, and I figured it'd rather suck it up once I absolutely had to.

I literally waited until the last second to get anything ready, and really, my wife did all the work of packing my stuff (pump, connector things, bottles, cooler, etc.) and putting it in my car for me. I'm not usually a procrastinator so I'm thinking I was just trying to avoid the inevitable in the hopes it would go away. Ha! Well it didn't work!

Now I get to go back after 9 months without my new fabulous haircut I was going to get, and my nails? Oh lets just not look at my hands!

I decided to steal a New Year's resolution from Carey over at Finding Chaos, since she had so many great ones, and I'm going to try and "be more mindful". I spend a lot of time cleaning, organizing, doing the laundry, and pretty much running through my day like a crazy person to keep things "perfect" and I exhaust myself. This year I am going to try and let things slide that don't need my immediate attention and enjoy the ones that do (i,e. wife and children).

Though I am a few days late, I started yesterday. I had this whole list of "to dos" and didn't do any of it. I chose to spend my last day at home with my wife and our boys playing Wii and watching/chasing the babies as they rolled/crawled around the living room floor. Somehow I don't think I'll regret that decision.

Anyhow, here's to hoping that I make it the full day at work without 1) balling my eyes out every time someone asks about the boys and 2) packing my shit and coming home early!

*sigh* I could do this!