Almost There

We started the babies on whole milk this past week and things are going well. They both didn't love it and the little guy especially did NOT like it initially so we had to change up the plan a bit. We had wanted to move them to sippy cups while moving to whole milk but it didn't work out. They didn't like it, and they aren't as coordinated as I had thought, spilling most of the milk (which could have been on purpose). Either way, I wasn't comfortable not knowing how much they were actually drinking, so we decided to first transition them to whole milk and then work on getting rid of the bottles.

The first day, for every bottle they got 5 ounces of breastmilk and 1 ounce of wholemilk. We increased their whole milk by one ounce every 2nd day, slowly decreasing the amount of breastmilk. They would drink it all, though not as enthusiastically as they did their breastmilk. As of yesterday they get a full 6 ounces of whole milk in each bottle. Since I still have to pump, they get all breastmilk in their last bottle...which secretly makes me happy.

As for pumping, its been easier than I thought to cut out some pumping sessions. I'm glad I did it while on vacation because it was a bit uncomfortable and I had some seriously ridiculous boobs. I felt like a hooker, no joke. I'm down to one pumping session per day, which is so so nice. I get more time to play with the babies, and sleep, and just do anything else other than PUMP.

I still nurse the big guy at night, and will continue doing so until he is ready to wean. Its not a big deal anymore as I barely even wake up to nurse him. The sleep issues were mostly related to having to get up every 4 hours to pump. Now that I only pump once, I do it in the morning before I get ready for work, so it doesn't interfere with my day and the boys are sleeping anyway.

Emotionally it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I don't think I'll miss the pumping but I am already missing being able to give them breastmilk. Part of me feels guilty for stopping since I had the supply. It also feels kind of wasteful, if that makes sense. I used to pump about 100 ounces, then went down to 50 and now I'm pumping about 15 ounces in one session. I'm probably producing enough for one baby if you count the night nursing. So strange. I've never had so little milk before. I know someday there isn't going to be any milk for the big guy to have at night and the thought of it makes me sad. I'm cherishing our nursing sessions so much more now.

My wife reminds me that this is all part of the process and their growing up, but I'm already missing it. I don't like this growing up part one bit.

We Made It!

June 12th was the twins' original due date. As you all know they were born 9 weeks early on April 10th. My original goal was to exclusively breastfeed them until their first birthday, and IF I could, until their gestational birthday (June 12th). Today is June 15th and I'm sitting here at my desk pumping before I jump in the shower and get ready for work.

We were supposed to start giving the boys whole milk this weekend, but got busy and forgot! We want to start on a weekend in case they have any reactions to it, or spit it out! Hopefully we can remember to start this weekend.

Its an amazing feeling to say that I've exclusively breastfed/pumped for twins for over 14 months! I never thought I'd actually make it this far, and there were plenty times I almost didn't! I don't think many people realize how much you sacrifice to bfeed twins, and how much sleep I've given up just to do so. I know I've been really lucky to have had an ample milk supply without needing any drugs, and I don't take that forgranted for a second.

I'm now struggling with the idea of when to wean. If the boys like whole milk than the little guy will probably transition just fine. He has been getting Expressed Breast Milk (EBM) for months now and doesn't breastfeed directly. The big guy on the other hand, still nurses exclusively when we are together and only takes bottles of EBM when I'm at work. For the most part I can give him bottles of EBM if I need to during the day, but at night HE MUST NURSE! I don't want to force him to wean, but I also don't want to be nursing a four year old to sleep. I keep thinking one day he just won't want it anymore but I really don't see that happening.

At this point there is no rush as we are all getting much more sleep, but with the transition to whole milk comes the transition to sippy/straw cups and good riddance to Dr. Brown! We are going to keep their whole milk separate from their breastmilk so that they get used to the taste, and we are going to only give them whole milk in a cup. We'll start with 2-4 ounces a day and slowly increase from there. As they get more whole milk and less breastmilk, we will get rid of the bottles. My goal is to be done with bottles by the boys 18 month birthday.

The other factor that plays into this is my weird, never expected, sadness over the end of my nursing relationship with both boys. Even though the little guy doesn't nurse directly anymore, I still feel like I'm connecting with him by giving him breastmilk. I actually have to put more work in for him since pumping is such a task as compared to nursing. As for the big guy, I really am going to miss nursing him and laying with him and rubbing his chubby little feet while we nurse. I'm sure its normal, but it just seems like I've been counting down for so long, that now that I'm here I'm wishing I could just pause for a few months and enjoy them a little longer. I think its just another sign that our babies are getting older and soon they won't be babies anymore.

We're Back!

Ok, I know its been months, and I just haven't had the energy to gather my thoughts and post something. Its 5am here now, and this is my best attempt at getting this blog up to date.

Lets start with the biggest news: THE TWINS ARE ONE! Holy monkey! We have one year old TWINS! It is still amazing to me that we were lucky to get TWO babies. I still have no idea when that will wear off.

The big guy is walking...or should I say RUNNING all day long! The little on, my little pajarito, is still a going at his own pace, but walking is definitely on the horizon. He cruises along anything he can hold on to, but is just hesitant to let go and try on his own. I've been taking his hands and walking with him, slowly releasing my grip so that he's really walking on his own and as long as his hands are touching mine, he is good, but as soon as I let go he goes down! Yesterday he was watching his brother jammin all over the place and he finally let go and took 2 steps on his own, so I know pretty soon we are going to be in big trouble. :)

They are both talking up a storm (in their own language of course) and I'm wondering if they do it on purpose to keep us guessing. In English they say: Mama, Nana, Toot (hahaha), Hi, Bye (or "Ba"), and they do the cookie monster laugh! Which totally cracks us up! The big guy is also saying "wow wow", which is how we refer to our dogs.

On the health front, we made it a whole year without them getting sick and then, not only did they catch something but I ended up in emergency with both of them (while my wife stayed home with the other) within a week apart - so NOT fun. The big guy had croup, which sounds scarier than it is and he was wheezing and uncomfortable, he even woke himself up from a nap struggling to breathe (hence the emergency room visit). They gave him a breathing treatment and steroids to help open up his lungs and within days he was good as new. Of course, I panicked wondering if the little guy was going to catch it, and how badly it would be for him given his lung issues. We tried our best to keep them separated, and disinfected everything, to no avail. Luckily, when he did finally get sick a week later, he didn't get croup, just a cold. I ended up taking him to the ER because he started having retractions again (where his breathing causes big indentations under his rib cage) which he hadn't done since he had been taken off the oxygen. I thought for sure we'd have to put him back on, but again, it looked scarier than it was. His oxygenation levels were in the mid 90's so he was getting all the oxygen he needed, just working harder to get it.

I was a wreck, mostly because we were so close to the official end of RSV season and the boys were doing so well. I had this silly notion that I'd be able to protect them forever, which proved impossible no matter what I did. I am happy that at least they were bigger and stronger, and survived just fine without having to be admitted into the hospital, but I don't want them to be sick again for a long LONG time. It is just too stressful, and I'm still exhausted from their being born! ha!

Now on to the only thing since pregnancy that I have been able to control, Breastfeeding. Yes, the boys are still drinking breastmilk exclusively (in addition to solid foods now) and have not had any cow's milk yet. I can't believe we made it to a year! I calculated that I have spent roughly 2300 hours of my life pumping! and that doesn't include the hours on end of nursing day and night.

I still nurse the big guy when we are together and the little guy gets bottles of expressed breastmilk from my wife. When I am at work they both get bottles from my mom with no problems. Since they are eating 3-4 meals a day, plus snacks, their milk intake has dropped to 20-25 ounces each, which is about half of what they used to drink. It has been so nice to not have the pressure of pumping 80-100 ounces a day!

My ultimate goal was June 12th (the babies' due date) since that is when they "really" turn one. So far, it looks like I'm on my way to achieving that goal, and then some. If I didn't have to pump and could just nurse I'd do it alot longer, but lugging my pumping gear, coolers, bottles, etc. to work everyday is really a pain in the butt, and I just don't know how much longer I can do it. So as of June 12th we will officially be transitioning over to cow's milk. Hopefully their little bodies can handle it and they won't have any adverse reactions to it. If all goes well, I will start decreasing my pumping as they increase their cow's milk intake and I think by August I will be done, for a total of 16 months of breastfeeding twins. Crazy! I never thought I'd make it and as we got closer to a year I started to set goals by the day rather than the week because I was just so exhausted.

Lastly, we took their one year photos with the same photographer from last time so I will be posting those shortly. They have both grown so much in the last 6 months, and are so much fun. We take them with us everywhere now, and they are such good babies. They eat, nap and play pretty much on schedule no matter where we are, so its been much easier to go places. We took them to get their first hair cut shortly after they turned one, which the little guy needed desperately (their photos are pre-haircut) and they didn't like it one bit! I was sad. They no longer look like babies, now they are little boys.

Happy Valentines Day!

(I know, this post is sooo late!)

Valentines Day with the boys was great! We took them to the park and let them sit on and touch the grass for the second time in their lives! The big guy loved it and was trying to pluck it out! The little guy wasn't so excited about it. He would crawl to the end of the blanket and put one hand on the grass, then quickly pull it back and make the "yucky" face like he was eating green beans! It was the funniest thing! He would go to every end of the blanket like "damn its on all sides!"

We planned to spend as much time as the boys could tolerate there. It ended up being ALL DAY LONG! We left because WE were tired! We got there at 10:30am and left at 4:30pm. The boys had their breakfast and lunch there, along with 2 milk feedings. My wife bottlefed the lil guy while I nursed the big guy under a light blanket and they both took 2 pretty good naps. I was able to rock them while sitting on the ground (which worked my abs at the same time!) and then lay them to sleep on the blanket or just hold them in my arms. The weather was great, which is probably why they slept for so long.

They are getting so much easier to take out and we are really enjoying it so much more. It helps that they are really easy babies, so long as they are fed they are happy! They are also really easy to put to sleep. As soon as I see the sleepy signs, I start rocking and within minutes they are out!

The hardest part about outings is packing. They have so much stuff! We are currently in the market for a new vehicle, a much bigger vehicle, so hopefully that will make trips out a little less chaotic. We have a smaller SUV now, and its just not cutting it. The double stroller alone takes up most of our cargo space! I usually nurse while sitting in the back seat between the carseats and its very cramped to say the least. Soon we will be getting the bigger carseats, and while I can probably squeeze my butt back there, it won't be roomy enough to try and nurse the big guy!

10 Months!

Here we go again.... Its been a long and exhausting month. I've been back to work a little over a month now, and its HARD. I love my new job, but leaving my baby boys every morning hasn't gotten much easier. I miss them more than I ever thought I could, and spending just a few hours a day with them has been really tough. The idea of work-life balance seems less like "balance" and more like a "trade-off". I'm still finding my stride, but for now this is the best I can do. My days are super long, and some days blend right in with the next depending on how demanding the babies are when we get home. I am constantly amazed at how well I am able to function on little to no sleep!

The boys have adjusted nicely to the new routine, and while Mondays are harder on them, they have been really good boys. They are both crawling, pulling themselves up on furniture, and the big guy is standing pretty much on his own. We think he will be walking very very soon!

They babble all day long, and the little guy is clapping up a storm. He even found this crazy scream that scares his brother, makes him cry and then he claps for him. Its cute and mean at the same time!

They have been eating solids for about the last 3 months, though we got off to a really slow start. The first 2 months was mainly rice cereal and oatmeal, but this last month we have really made some progress. So far they have had: green beans, sweet potato, regular potato, green squash, yellow squash, carrots, asparagus, apples, bananas, peaches, blueberries, pears, avocado, and chicken. This week they will add mango, peas, pasta and ground meat. They are eating solids three times a day in addition to their milk, and they love food! We bought this baby food making machine and it works great! I usually make their food for the week on Sunday evening and store it in these trays especially for baby food that look like ice trays but have lids and a labeling surface that you can write on with dry-erase markers. They are really easy to stack in either the fridge or freezer and make meal planning so much easier. Yes... I MAKE THEIR FOOD! Again, if you know me in real life, you are probably wondering what the hell happened to the "old" non-cooking, non-domesticated me. Never in my wildest dreams would I imagine my self as a baby-wearing, breastfeeding, home-made-babyfood-making mama of TWINS! Crazy right? Its amazing what being a mom can do to a girl. ;)

We are starting to introduce finger foods, and so far so good. So far they have only had sweet potato "puffs" that we bought at the store, and they are doing well with them. I am going to start moving away from mushing everything to allowing them small pieces to self-feed. We'll see how that goes! I think this is where the dogs will come in for clean-up duty.

As for their milk, they take about 5 ounces each, every three hours throughout the day and are still exclusively on breast milk! I think at this point I am fairly confident that I will make my one year goal, and probably can go longer if I can manage the pumping at work. My milk supply dipped a little when I first started back at work, but has slowly increased now that I have found my routine.

In other news this month also marks the return of aunt flow. Yup, the bitch is back! I got a nice 10 months and though I was hoping she wouldn't show her face until I was done breastfeeding, I'll take what I can get.

So I think that about wraps it up! In two short months I will be celebrating the one year anniversary of the birth of our twin boys, and my becoming a Mama. While we are still in survival mode, everyday it gets easier. I'm still utterly in love with these two little people we have created and still in disbelief that they are here. I have loved every second of being a Mama, so much so that we have already started talking about baby number THREE. I won't go into details now, but we are definitely in agreement that we will be trying for our third by the time the boys are about to start pre-school. Stay tuned...

p.s. As soon as we get our hard drive back I will be updating our pictures. The boys have certainly changed since Christmas!

Reminiscing

Going back to work has made me feel like I did when the twins first came home from the hospital...EXHAUSTED!

Though I really love my new job, by the time I get there, I already feel like I worked a full day. Since I have to pump for two, I am still having to get up throughout the night/early morning to pump so that I can leave enough milk for both without having to go into our freezer storage (which I am saving for emergency use only). The boys each get 5 ounces every 3 hours plus three snacks which consist of either rice cereal, oatmeal, or solid foods mixed with about 2 ounces of milk (solids need less milk) bringing their milk intake to a whopping 40 ounces JUST for the time that I am at work. So while everyone is asleep, I MUST drag my butt out of bed to pump.

My day officially starts at 4-4:30am when I start my second pumping of the day (I also pump at 1am), by 5am I am supposed to be in the shower and getting ready for work. This may or may not happen depending on whether one or two babies are awake and in need of breakfast. My wife and I switch off with baby duties so we can both get ready for work. She leaves before I do, so I have to do the stuff I can't do while alone with them before she leaves (like pump and shower). Then I juggle getting ready while trying to keep one or both babies entertained long enough before I can rock them back to sleep. She usually gets the lil guy back to sleep before she leaves so that I only have the big guy awake on my own.

My mom gets to our house at 7:30am and usually one or both babies are asleep. I leave as soon as she gets there so that I can be at work by 8am. So far, I've only been late once by like 20 minutes, so my routine is working out pretty well. Once I get to work I go through my email and list of "to dos" and plan my day. By 9am I wheel my very big bag of tricks down to the lactation room for my first pumping of my work day. Luckily, I have a blackberry which is nice because we have an IM system at work so that even though I'm not at my desk I can still connect with the people I need to. I usually take my work with me to the lactation room and do what I can and send out emails. I also use my pumping time to check in on the boys and see how their days are going.

By 10am I am back at my desk. So far I have a ton of meetings to go to so I usually don't get to spend much time actually sitting at my desk. Since 10am is a popular meeting time, I am usually in a meeting until about noon.

Which is my next pumping time, so I run down to the cafeteria to grab some lunch and take it with me to eat while I pump.

By 1pm I am finally able to get some work done (if I'm not in another meeting) and I get through as much of my "to do" list as possible. What I love about my job is that I am surrounded by smart people who are willing to share their knowledge, so I have learned to pick their brains as much as I can.

At around 3pm I go down for my last pumping session of my work day and I try to take reading material with me to wind down. Since I work in the regulatory arena, there are always a multitude of briefs and filings to read, so I always have something new.

When 4pm rolls around I go back to my desk (though lately I've had meetings) and start organizing myself for the next day. I respond to emails, send off any projects I've been working on to the appropriate recipients, and make my "to do" list for the next day. If my boss is in her office, I will check-in with her and then head home.

That is my half way point.

As soon as I walk in the door, I run to my room to change and wash-up (a must after coming home from a germy office where every other person is coughing). Then I spend a little time with the babies and the wife, and try and eat a very quick dinner before I sit down to pump. As soon as I am done pumping I have about an hour of play time with the kiddos before we start their bedtime routine. I usually nurse the big guy til he falls asleep while my wife gives the lil one a bottle. As soon as the big guy falls asleep I jump out of bed and try to catch the lil one before he goes to sleep and if I can, I take over his feeding or rocking so I can get some one-on-one with him too.

Once both babies are asleep its about 9pm and time to pump. I sit at the computer while I pump and talk with my wife about our days. She is usually washing dishes, and going through my work bag to take out the pumping gear I used throughout the day and replace it with freshly washed ones for the next day. As soon as I'm done we head straight to bed. I get about 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (less if the big guy wakes up to nurse) before I have to get up to pump again, and then another 2 hours after that. During the time that I pump my wife sleeps with the big guy and goes back and forth between him and the lil one rocking them back to sleep if they wake up.

At 1am I get up to pump again....rinse and repeat.

While I am very thankful that we are at 9.5 months and I am still able to provide breastmilk exclusively for my boys, I won't pretend that it is by any means easy. There are days that I just want to toss my pump out the window and buy a case of formula on my way home. Of course I come to my senses and continue with my routine, but sometimes just the thought of the freedom from my pump is exciting.

Its not that I think formula is bad, I was formula fed as a baby, its just that being able to breastfeed my babies is the only part of this whole process that I have been able to control - from pregnancy to delivery and beyond, nothing went as planned. This is something I've always wanted to give to my babies, and luckily I have been able to do so, and that is why I stick with it.

So many people have asked how long I plan to breastfeed and saying my goal out loud is very daunting, and so I've changed it. For now, my goal is one week. Every Monday I say to myself that I just need to do it for one more week.

By the end of next week, I will have completed my first month pumping while working. While its been harder than I thought it would be, I've survived so far and hope that I can hang on just a little longer.

9 Months

I almost didn't even realize we were here already! 9 Months... in 90 days we will be having a birthday party for TWINS, OUR twins!

So much has happened in this last month I don't even know where to start. My time as "Stay at Home Mama" has ended and though I miss them more than I ever thought possible, this has been the plan for a while now. "When the boys are 9 months old..." I'm happy that they are bigger and stronger and I think/hope that they are "ready" now. I'm still getting used to the idea of leaving them and don't know if I will ever be "ready", but I'm making the best of it. They are both adjusting ok to being left with my mom at home, and I think it will be just a matter of time before we all find our stride.

The big guy has made one very important milestone, he has said "Mama". He uses it to his advantage, and only says it now when he really wants me to get him and adds in the saddest little face to make me drop whatever it is I am doing to rescue him. He has also started waving at us. Like when he is crawling superfast in a direction he shouldn't be, I am usually calling his name and saying "no, no, no, come over HERE" he will stop and turn and wave at me! Like "bye Mama, I've got things to do over HERE!". Its really cute, though I'm sure that will wear off very soon!

The little guy has met lots of milestones in this month, took his first exam, sits up without falling over, gets on his hands and knees and tries to crawl (he will be on the move any day now), and has become the easiest, happiest baby ever. Only cries when he is hungry, plays for hours with us on the floor, goes down for nice long naps without a fuss, and sleeps through the night! He understands who "Mama" is but hasn't figured out how to say it. Its the thought that counts my lil pajarito!

They are both making their way through veggies and HATE greenbeans! They are tolerating carrots, and will be trying some peas and avocado this week. Still exclusively breastfed, they are growing nice and big and as of yesterday are about 17 pounds each. They haven't been sick not even once in their 9 months of life, and we are half way through the winter here, so just a few more months until we can ease up on the outings.

Speaking of outings, we finally got the courage to take them shopping with us, and they went to Vo.ns and Tar.get. They don't mind their carseats anymore and love going out with us. They were so good in the shopping baskets, although they are still kinda small to ride in the basket part, we used those cart covers and put a few blankets behind them. They loved being able to look around, and since we each had one in our basket, we didn't get all the "twin" oohs and aahs since we spent most of the time divided to conquer. Which is nice. I hate attention and when you go anywhere with twins, everyone wants to see, touch or ask and I'm not that person.

One thing I miss the most about my days at home with my babies is our daily walks. We would walk in our little gated community and the weather was great, everyone was at work so we were never bothered, and it was just me and my little monkeys just like when I was pregnant. Never thought I'd miss being pregnant, but at least I always had them with me.

I love you boys, all 9 months of you!

Home

Today I am home. My work week is Monday through Thursday and I am glad its over! While it went better than I expected, I really missed my boys. Wednesday was a good day for them, they had no issues and went down for naps and had their bottles with no fuss.

Yesterday was a little hard for both of them...I think they both really missed me and just wanted to be in arms. I was going to try and come home early, but I start my new position on Monday and needed to move my stuff over to my new cubicle and that is always a pain. I'm glad I did though, so Monday I can just start fresh without having to run around.

I have pretty much figured out the whole pumping situation. I will pump at 9am, 12pm, and 3pm (unless I have a meeting or something and I will pump around it). I pump for like 45 minutes to completely empty out, which I thought was going to be a problem. But, with my new job I will be totally wired and will have access to email and our network even in the lactation room. So my boss isn't worried about me not being at my desk at all times. Which is nice. I like that I can work from anywhere because I really hate to waste my time just sitting around and it gets really boring in that room.

This morning the boys were so happy when they woke up and realized it was me getting them out of bed. It was so cute! The little guy was laughing for no reason and the big guy kept rubbing my arm and smiling. I brought them to my bed and we all cuddled for a while before starting our morning routine.

This weekend they have their RSV shots and thats pretty much it. I just want to stay home and relax with them. Now that I know what I need to take to work with me I want to prepare my stuff at night so the morning isn't so chaotic. I always feel like I'm forgetting something. I am also going to get one of those wheel cart things to lug all my crap in to work every morning. I decided to take my big pump back and forth. I was going to rent one but even renting for just 3 months will cost me the same as if I were to just buy another one on eb.ay. I also tried taking my Me.dela Pump.In.Style. but that pump just doesn't work for me. I hate that I bought it because it was a total waste since I've only used it like a handful of times in the car. Once I found the car charger for my big pump I've been using that one exclusively.

So there you have it. One week down, and way to many to go!

I Survived...

The day started off pretty well...the boys slept in so my wife and I had time to get ready. My mom came in early just in case I needed help, so we went over a few things that were different (like the boys don't wear jammies with feet anymore cause they can't crawl with them) and I packed some drinks and snacks and was out the door.

It was easier than I expected cause the boys were so happy to see my mom. If they could wave bye to me they would have! Not to mention I left later than I had planned and still needed to get gas so I didn't exactly have time for the long drawn out goodbye I had imagined in my dramatic head.

Once in the car though, I did get sad just thinking of the days activities I was going to miss. I had to give myself a talking to (which consists of going through all the positives in my life "the sky is blue, we are healthy, I have a car to drive and don't have to walk/take the bus" anything I can think of) and settled down. Luckily, I stopped myself just before the tears came rolling so I didn't have to walk in to work looking a wreck. I learned this trick from one of my best friends, I have two and work with both of them- I know lucky right, anyway, its how she got herself to work after leaving her baby girl for the first time.

When I got to work it was already 8:15 and parking was crazy so I had to park super far. It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have so much stuff to unload from my car. I was only able to carry half my stuff up and then my feet were killing me! I haven't worn shoes in 9 months (been wearing flip flops at home)...let alone high heels! Luckily above mentioned bff is 7 months pregnant (we'll call her prego bff) and always keeps a pair of walking shoes at her desk so I went over and borrowed them to get the rest of my crap from my car.

Once I finally got to my desk with all my gear, it was 9am and time to pump and I didn't have a key to the lactation room. Of course, both women who are in charge of the keys were on vacation. I IM'd both bffs (because my phone and email were NOT working) to help me find a key or a room or something before I exploded all over my new work clothes. Preggo bff, found me a room to pump and then when I was done, found me a key so I could pump in the lactation room the next round... I love her!

As she gave me the key we made plans for the three of us to go to lunch and then I met my other bff to walk me down to corporate security to get a new badge (I couldn't remember how the hell to get there-I work in a very big building). Of course, badge machine was broken so I had to wait 20 minutes. By the time I was done it was 11:30 and time for lunch. We left for lunch, which was great. I really missed these girls and though they have visited me and the boys since we have been home, I missed the day to day with them. Once we got back I had to pump again, and then finally got to sit at my desk and call IT to restore my access to my email, phone, etc. By the time I was done I had missed my pumping time and decided to just go home and pump there...since it was already 4pm.

So there you have it! I made it almost the whole day and without a tear. I think the craziness of the day kept my mind occupied and didn't allow me the downtime to think of all that I was missing at home. Besides, I had been texting back and forth with my mom throughout all the madness at work to check on the boys and they were doing great! They took their bottles with no problem, went down for their naps, she even had time to play with the babyfood making machine and made them fresh green beans! Which they only took one bite of because they hated them!...but at least they tried them. As for pumping, I had left them more than enough...there were still 4 bottles when I came home and I pumped another 5 bottles at work so that alone was enough for today. I still pumped one more time last night and am pumping again now, so I think I will be ok so long as my supply stays the same.

I actually think today will be much harder because I will have more "downtime" since I'm pretty much settled in now. Its also going to be hard because I already miss the boys since I didn't see them all day yesterday. I hope they do well again today.

The Big Day

So today is the day I go back to work. I've been pretty stressed about it, mostly the part where I am going to try and pump enough milk to keep two growing boys fed. I don't know why I'm so worried about it because I've never really had a supply problem. Its just that its been awhile since I've had to pump exclusively for both.

I've been on a pumping kick and have gone back to the days of pumping every 3 hours around the clock (hence the 2am blogging)...and that's not including the breastfeeding sessions with the big guy! Needless to say, I am also going back to feeling like a cow...pump, feed, pump, feed...repeat. Someone needs to invent a mechanism you can connect to so you can pump while you sleep!

As for the boys, I am sure they are going to be fine. My mom is as ready as she'll ever be to take over the reigns, and though I'm sure they'll miss me, everything else will be a constant in their lives so the transition shouldn't be so hard.

Me? I'm going to have it rough. I don't think it helps that I've been home longer than the average for maternity leave, I almost forgot what the heck I do for a living and what its like to have a career! Also, I've never left the boys for more than a few (2-3) hours at a time, since they have been born. So I am going to miss them like crazy. Months ago I said I'd "practice" leaving them, etc. But, I didn't. That wasn't a fun game for me, and I figured it'd rather suck it up once I absolutely had to.

I literally waited until the last second to get anything ready, and really, my wife did all the work of packing my stuff (pump, connector things, bottles, cooler, etc.) and putting it in my car for me. I'm not usually a procrastinator so I'm thinking I was just trying to avoid the inevitable in the hopes it would go away. Ha! Well it didn't work!

Now I get to go back after 9 months without my new fabulous haircut I was going to get, and my nails? Oh lets just not look at my hands!

I decided to steal a New Year's resolution from Carey over at Finding Chaos, since she had so many great ones, and I'm going to try and "be more mindful". I spend a lot of time cleaning, organizing, doing the laundry, and pretty much running through my day like a crazy person to keep things "perfect" and I exhaust myself. This year I am going to try and let things slide that don't need my immediate attention and enjoy the ones that do (i,e. wife and children).

Though I am a few days late, I started yesterday. I had this whole list of "to dos" and didn't do any of it. I chose to spend my last day at home with my wife and our boys playing Wii and watching/chasing the babies as they rolled/crawled around the living room floor. Somehow I don't think I'll regret that decision.

Anyhow, here's to hoping that I make it the full day at work without 1) balling my eyes out every time someone asks about the boys and 2) packing my shit and coming home early!

*sigh* I could do this!

One Week Left

So the countdown has officially begun. I have 6 days left as a "Stay-At-Home" Mama. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. In the beginning it seemed to go much slower and felt like I had all the time in the world, but towards the end it was like we were skipping days at a time!

I am sad, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. I have taken a total of 12 months off. I took 3 months off in the beginning of my pregnancy due to severe hyperemesis (really really bad morning sickness) and 9 months after the twins were born. The last time I was at work I was 7.5 months pregnant with twins. It was a Friday, and I left work at 2pm to head over to see my nutritionist (for gestational diabetes) and then to my OB for my 30 week check-up (though I was a few days early). I had planned to have a pregnancy massage that weekend and just relax and try and get some much needed rest.

This was the appointment where my bloodpressure was SKY high and I was rushed over to the hospital to be admitted and possibly deliver my twins that night. I ended up being on bedrest for a week before I was forced to deliver my boys at 30 weeks 5 days due to Pre-Eclampsia and H.E.L.L.P. syndrome. It was a scary week, and even scarier couple of months afterwards, but I'm thankful that this story has a happy ending and the fact that I will be going back to work as a Mama to two living, breathing, crawling boys is crazy and amazing all wrapped in one.

My biggest concern about going back is how the logistics of pumping will go and whether or not I will be able to pump enough milk to provide for both babies. I hope I can figure out a good pumping schedule my first week back so that I can have it set in motion when I transfer over to my new job the next week. I am hoping that by only working 4 days (I will be taking Fridays off), I can resume nursing while I am home for 3 days, and maintain my milk supply. I'm anticipating it will be a major pain in the ass to lug my big'ol commercial grade pump to work everyday, but if it gets me just 3 more months, it will be worth all the hassle.

Since we will be introducing more solids (or mushies) it is my hope that the boys will start to need less milk (or at least not more) so that we can avoid having to supplement with formula. We tried using it the day they came home from the NICU and they got horrible rashes instantly so we stopped using it that day. While I think they may tolerate it a little better given their age, I really don't want to go there unless absolutely necessary. I've been pumping like a mad woman to keep my supply going strong, so I think I should be ok.

The hardest part is going to be walking out the door. I haven't decided if I will say "bye bye" or just sneak out. I don't want to make a big ordeal about leaving them but I can't imagine not getting a hundred kisses before I go. I already told my mom I'd be calling to check on them when I pump, and I want to have my webcam set up ASAP so I can get a peak at them from time to time. I never thought going back to work would be so hard. It was always a part of the "plan" but it all seemed easier in theory. Now that I am at that point, I'm wondering why I didn't make a better plan! One that included us winning the lottery and me being able to stay home with my boys. ;)

Well back to reality! It is what it is and I am just going to make the most of the days I have left. I guess I can't really complain since I actually got more time than I had planned for given their long NICU stays, I should technically have been back to work 3 months ago!

8 Months and Flying By! (Warning: SUPER Long post)

So I've turned into one of those people who started off blogging pretty regularly to now going over a month without a word! I just can't believe its been a month... time is really flying by now!

With the holidays upon us, the boys CRAWLING and me getting ready to go back to work after about a year off... I am all over the place...literally!

I'm going to try and do one LONG catch up post and then I will add/update the photos on the next run. Lets start with an update on my boys:

They are crawling! I can't believe it! One day we were sitting over them calmly as they lay on the ground playing with their toys and the next, I'm chasing the big guy and trying to keep him in the living room and out from underneath the desk! Gone are the days where I can lay them down and expect to find them in the same spot in five minutes. The lil guy crawls backwards...its so funny! He is like a worm, lying on his back he pushes with his feet and inches along all the while looking where he is going practically upside down on his head. Its the craziest thing. The big guy is full up on his knees and jammin. He is also lifting himself up using the crib rails and sitting up like its nobody's business.

This last month has been so much fun, and I feel like everyday is going by faster and faster. The first 3 months were the longest but it seems like these last 3 have really flown by. In 4 months we will be celebrating their first birthday... I still can't believe it.

We have been getting the babies their RSV shots every month, and I think thats been helping to keep them healthy. We got our H1N1 shots in early November, and that was a mission but I felt better knowing we all (including my mom and little sister) got them, and it would hopefully help us in the event one of us got the virus. So far, I think that was the most crowded place we have ever taken the boys, and anxiety was running high on my end. I even yelled at a worker for smoking nearby (and I mean YELL, where the 100,000 people in line all got quiet and looked at the crazy lady with the baby strapped to her chest). Yup, that is who I've become. But really, who smokes in front of a bunch of people waiting in line for something to help them avoid getting sick! Geez mister, use some damn common sense!

Luckily, nobody in our house has gotten sick, including the babies in their whole 8 months, so I am pretty happy about that. I don't think I have ever taken such good care of myself not t0 mention that I have NEVER gotten a flu shot until now. Its amazing the things you do for your kids. I really don't believe they work, and really, its just the flu so I never thought it was big deal if I got it, but with two little ones (one with Chronic Lung Disease), I will do whatever our doctor says if it means one more month that they get to grow and be healthy and not be dealing with an illness.

The little guy has been amazingly good with all his health issues, that I am afraid to even type this so as not to jinx it! His breathing has been so good that we have taken him off his monitor at night and really just have it in case he were to get sick. He hasn't needed his oxygen in months, and so far his growth is right up there with his brother, they are within a few ounces of eachother for the first time since they were born. 17 pounds and counting! He still gets one breathing treatment every morning, but aside from that, he is your average (small) baby. Wow, I never thought we'd get here.

I am still breastfeeding/pumping exclusively which even I am amazed at! My mom jokes that she never thought I'd still be b'feeding AND pumping this long and for TWINS! Ha! I'm showing her! In her defense, I'm so not the "breastfeed beyond the point where your kids have teeth" type of girl! Did I mention the lil guy has a tooth? a very sharp tooth at that!

Yeah well he doesn't get his milk straight from the source anymore, but I do pump 4-5 times daily so that he gets his fair share. He never really was a good nurser, and with that lil shark tooth sprouting so early, he was cutoff and I think we are both ok with that. I will pump for him for as long as I nurse his brother and when I'm done, they will both be done. I have been trying not to set any long-term goals with the whole breastfeeding thing, just because until now, its been pretty easy because I am home and I can pump and nurse whenever I need to, but when I go back to work that will be a different story. My unofficial goal is 14 months (a year +2 months, to make up for the 2 months they were early) but I'm happy I've made it this long and will take what I can get. So far my milk supply has been abundant (I think all the extra pumping has kicked it up a notch) so I am starting to freeze again for when I go back to work.

The boys also started eating by mouth. So far we haven't tried much other than rice cereal, oatmeal and little sweet potato on Thanksgiving, but we bought a babyfood maker that should be coming in soon, and my mom and I are going to try making our own food and freezing it. We'll see how that works out, if you know me, you know I'm totally not the "make your own baby food" type of girl either, so this should be interesting. I think its just another reason to buy a kitchen gadget and at least my mom is excited to use it!

Speaking of Thanksgiving... it was the boys first big holiday and I was especially thankful to have them in my arms this year, rather than in my belly. I was so sick last year, I skipped Thanksgiving alltogether! What a difference a year makes. Of course, I spent most of the day in awe of the fact that they are here, they are healthy and counting my blessings that I get to be their Mama. I pulled out their ultrasound pictures and I know I say this all the time, but it really is crazy that they are here, in my arms, trying to eat my face, HERE! God I love these boys!

This month also marked their "out longer than in month" since I delivered at 31 weeks they have officially been in our lives longer than in my belly, again, I enjoy them so much better on the outside! Its so crazy how much has happened and changed since they have been born, I am doing things I have never thought I would do, and I feel like a totally different person now. In a way, I think I am a different person, and I think that is natural considering how much has changed in my life over the past year, and I couldn't be happier.

I especially love this time of year and the fact that the boys are big enough to experience a little of it is just a bonus. Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year, but this year I got a really late start on all my decorating (on account of two little people I have to chase around all day) but tonight we set up our little tree (and I mean little, like the boys are about as tall as our tree, little) and got all our stuff out. Now that the boys are crawling, and their gigantic saucers, jumperoos, and playmats are taking up all our floor space, we opted for a small (tiny) tree that we can put on top of our ottoman. It looks nice, and is perfect for their "first" tree. So far they were very interested in it as I decorated and put the lights on. Let's hope they don't knock it off the table!

We still have to hunt down Santa to get their first Santa photo, but I'm so not looking forward to it! I hate the mall, and the boys so far have never even been there, but I may try and do it during the week like right when they open to avoid the holiday rush. We haven't even sent our Christmas cards yet on account of the boys new found mobility, its hard to get them still enough to get a good photo! I think I may just go with a photo of them crawling away, that should capture this time in our lives perfectly!

Lastly, I've been dealing with the fact that my days as a stay at home Mama are counted and running out very quickly. I go back to work on January 4, 2010. If you count the 3 months I was off work due to crazy morning sickness, it will be a year that I've been home. Some people are lucky if they get 6 weeks, so I know I am blessed and I am grateful for all this time every.single.day. I go back with mixed feelings though, I do miss my friends at work, and being able to conversate about something other than a poop diaper. It seems like forever since I've even sat at my desk and I know its going to be hard to walk out the door knowing it will be hours before I return. I'm trying not to think about it too much and just enjoy every second I get to be home, but its tugging on my heart even when I'm not looking.

I've gone on this insane shopping spree both in stores and online replacing my entire work wardrobe (since I've lost so much weight b'feeding, I am now MUCH smaller than before I got pregnant) but I think I've gone overboard! Well, I know I have! My mom says its my way of making my transition back to work a little easier but I know that it won't matter what I wear, it will still be drenched in tears as I drive away. I am trying to take comfort in knowing my boys are in good hands, my mom has been here everyday for 4.5 months helping me take care of them, and learning everything there is to know about them so that she is ready to fly solo when I go back. She loves them more than anyone else (aside from us of course) and they love her too! She has seen how I do things, and has either found her own way or copied mine and it works. The boys look for her every morning and I think they will handle the transition much better than I will. I am happy that they will get to stay in their own environment, they will keep their schedule (or lack of schedule) and for them the only thing different will be that I am not here. I know, minor detail right.

The good news is, I got a new job! With my same company but in a different department. Who gets a promotion while on maternity leave you ask? ME! I must have been a seriously good person in another life because this could not come at a better time. My job, though I loved it, was not family-friendly AT ALL. I worked insane hours under huge amounts of stress and there was no room for trivial things... like lunch! I was already preparing my speech to my boss about work-life balance and how I must be home everyday BEFORE my babies go to sleep, and then one fine day in October, I get a call from a very good friend of mine who works at the same company and she offered me a job in her group with more pay, a better title and the best part... NO interview! Sold!

It truly was a no brainer since I had worked with her before, when I first started with the company, and we worked really well together. Its actually how we became friends. She is a great friend and knows everything I've been through with the twins and about my wanting to be home more. She and her wife were at our baby shower (which ended up being after the twins were born) and were 2 of the very few people we allowed over to visit the boys shortly after they came home from the NICU. And yup, I said her WIFE. Could it be more perfect? She also agreed on a reduced schedule (Fridays off) and gave me a week in my old department to pack my stuff and transition over to her group, which means my first week I can go home early if I am having a hard time, since I won't have any work.

So, while I know leaving my babies everyday is going to be tough, I am doing so under the best possible circumstances. The boys are big and healthy enough that I am comfortable leaving them, I have my wonderful mom to love and care for my babies while I'm gone, I have a new job that I know I'm going to love, and tons of new clothes to wear. If that doesn't do the trick... nothing will!

Changes...

We had an appointment with our pediatrican on Friday and he suggested we start mixing rice cereal and breastmilk a few times a day and slowly progress to oatmeal, solids, etc. The boys are 6 months old but again, with the adjustments for their early arrival, we are just getting to the fun parts!

So far so good with the rice cereal. I am pumping extra milk for their two snacks each and that is working out pretty well also. Everyday I thank my lucky stars that we still have enough milk for both babies. I don't think I'd be able to keep up if I had gone back to work as originally planned.

I'm hoping to breastfeed for a year, but I'm not writing that in stone. Since I will be going back to work in January, and the boys will be 9 months old, it will be 3 LONG months of pumping at work. Hopefully we can make it that long at least, longer if possible. I'm thinking they will be eating more food by then so their milk requirement won't be so high, but with their delays, who knows! I may have to pack a few milk gallons to fill up while I'm gone, cause I swear that is how much they eat!

One of the benefits of adding in this twice daily snack, is that it allows the big guy to practice drinking from a bottle again (since its been 3 months of exclusive breastfeeding and he swears the bottle is now some alien object!). He has been pretty good about it though... now if only I can get him to stay asleep without having to keep me within arms distance. That boy has some sort of radar going on!

In other news, the pediatrician also agreed that the boys DO need their full 6-7 RSV doses and that the nurse who told us otherwise was "misinformed". That is a one way of putting it! Whatever, as long as they get them.

Healthwise our pajarito is doing awesome in every way, and is now growing right along with his brother. They weigh approx. 14 lbs and are 23.5 and 24 inches long. Pajarito is getting better at tummy time, has now found his feet and is working on getting them to stay in his mouth. Now I get to look for 4 socks everytime they go down for a nap. =)

As for life with twins, it is finally getting to be more manageable. Its a ton of work, and somedays I'm not sure I'm gonna survive, but we do and at the end of the day, I'm grateful I've been able to stay home with them this long. Aside from the endless loads of laundry, things are definitely looking up!

P.S. I love Halloween jammies!

No Sick Time for Mama

So last night I came to the conclusion that I CANNOT get sick! I just can't. Aside from the fact that I am numero uno source of nutrition for two babies, I also have to rock them to sleep when they are cranky (I think there is something about the smell of their milk nearby that soothes them when they are fussy) because my wife can do it all day, but at night when they are tired and fussy it HAS to be me, and this requires both patience and energy. *sigh* both of which I lack when I am under the weather.

At first it was flattering that they wanted me, but now, not so much. Its hard enough to get one baby down (while the other one is making tons of noise) and then to get up and do it again, exhausting. Add to that the fact that as soon as they are asleep I have to pump, and as soon as I am pumping the big guy realizes I'm no longer there and coaxes my wife to bring him out to the living room where I am pumping so he can give me his sad face and get me to disconnect, put my milk making on hold and lay with him again. Then, once he is asleep I try again.

Now the point of this long rant:

I had a really bad toothache the other day (pregnancy made my gums really sensitive) and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep. Of course, the big guy needed to be nursed and then the little guy was giving my wife a hard time, so I had to get back up and help put him to sleep (because who can sleep when there is a baby yelling at us). When I was done, I had to pump. I was in so much pain, my milk took forever to "let down" so I was there for an hour and a half when it usually only takes 30-40 minutes to get what I need (About 10 ounces).

I usually have a very high tolerance for pain, so much so, that I didn't need any pain meds after my c-section. We filled the prescriptions anyway, just in case, but I refused to take them. I just hate taking medicine, I don't have the stomach for it and I don't want to pass it to the babies through their breastmilk.

That night, I contemplated taking the per.co.cet I got after my c-section, that is when my wife realized how much pain I was in because she knows I never take anything. I didn't take it, but I did take one 800mg ibu.profen that I also got when I came home. I figured it was better than the per.co.cet (which is tecnically a narcotic). My wife said maybe I had an infection and I should see the dentist the next day. I was fine in the morning but it did get me thinking.

I had just dumped all my milk (about 200 bags of 4 ounces of milk) that I had frozen because it was hitting the 3 month mark, and nobody was using it because I was pumping fresh milk everyday or nursing the big guy, and I needed to put FOOD in there. So of course then I panicked because I thought if I get sick, and have to take antibiotics, that milk would have kept us afloat until I was done with the meds and got my milk supply back up.

So now I've resumed pumping like a maniac, and luckily I can now manipulate my milk supply to as little or as much as I need. I had only been pumping 2-3 times a day (just enough for the little guys bottles) and have now increased it to 5-6 times a day so I can still give the little guy what he needs and still work on building up my frozen stock. I know I always say how much I hate pumping but I have to admit, I love my pump. It is a hospital grade one I got as a rental when the boys were in the NICU.

*Side note: When you have babies that are not able to go home for a while they prescribe you a hospital grade pump so you can stimulate and maintain your milk supply because a regular pump isn't strong enough. I was able to keep mine for 5 months, and I liked it so much I bought my own on e.b.ay.

I really think my pump can make anyone lactate. So far I am able to produce enough milk for the babies and the freezer and I will continue to do so as long as I am able. I hope that one day (probably when I go back to work), if I can no longer keep up with their needs, we can resort to supplementing with our frozen stock until its all gone. and then, and only then, we will be done with this breastfeeding saga.

Transitions

I haven't posted lately because we have been busy adjusting to our new routine. With the wife back at work its been my mom and I, and its been going very well. Although I am a little more tired than usual, I can't complain.

Our day goes like this: My wife leaves to work at 6:30am and usually the boys are eating when she leaves. When they are done we all take a nap until around 9am when I get up for the day. My mom usually comes around 7:30am while we are all asleep and finds something to clean or laundry to fold until we wake up. At 9am they eat again (I nurse the big guy exclusively and my mom bottle feeds the lil guy). Then I pump, which I hate.

Then we just hang out until nap time around 11'ish. Sometimes they nap and sometimes they don't, but I like to pretend we have some sort of schedule going! I generally use this time to take more pictures of them, have some play time and then, I pump.

They continue to eat about every 3 hours until the evening and my mom leaves around 4:30pm when my wife comes home. We try to have bath time at 7pm and then put the boys to bed, but again, it isn't always the case. Once the babies are asleep, I pump again.

They generally stay asleep until about midnight, when they wake up to eat again, but they go right back to sleep and then, I pump. I finally make it in to bed around 2am and then at 3am the little guy wakes up to eat, and since my wife is back at work, I have been nursing him so she can sleep. Once he is done the big guy wakes up around 4am to eat and then I nurse him and burp him and he goes back to sleep. At 5am I get up to pump and then get the little guys bottle ready for his 6am feeding. Sometimes I get a 30 minute nap in, and then we start again.

Its a crazy schedule but we are adjusting to it. I miss my wife when she is gone, and I know she has been missing us like crazy, its just different not having her home with us all day. I think I'm going to have a very hard time leaving the babies when I finally do go back to work. Its not for a few months but I am already dreading it. I am happy that at least I have my mom to watch them, making the transition easier on all of us. The babies absolutely love her, and she is so so good with them.

Speaking of the babies, they are amazing and I love every single day with them. They are such fun and happy boys! I love their smiles when they first wake up and realize I'm there, and its fun to watch them learn and discover new things. They have been growing so fast, the big guy weighs 13 lbs 3 ounces and 24 inches long, and the lil one is 11 pounds 15 ounces and 23.5 inches long. Not much of a difference anymore! The little guy has also been taken off another medication, leaving only one 5 min breathing treatment per day, and his reflux med twice per day. Much easier! We have also been working on breastfeeding and I nurse him twice a day now. Thursday we have a check-up with their pediatrician and I'm hoping he gives me the ok to nurse the little guy more often. I would love to be able to nurse them both exclusively and only pump when I go back to work.

They have also been learning new "tricks": the big guy understands "UP" and he makes his arms tight and pulls his whole body up for you to carry him and the lil guy has discovered how to splash in the bath. They have both been kicking like crazy and the big guy has found his feet! He can't reach them yet, but there will be some toe sucking when he does!

And now, pictures:

The Boys, The Pump, The Schedule

The boys did so good yesterday for their first trip to my in laws. They didn't even cry the whole way there or back!

It started off with a delicious breakfast and then the big guy and I took a nap while my wife hung out with her mom and the little guy. The weather was perfect and all in all we had a great day. When we got home we bathed the boys and then fed them. After some small battles, we finally put them to sleep.

(The boys after bath time)

We are getting closer and closer to establishing a schedule, but still can't get them to bed by 8pm! Right now we are averaging a 10pm bedtime, a 2am feeding and then they are awake by 6 or 7am. My goal is more like an 8pm bedtime with a 2am feeding and then awake by 8am. Is that too much to ask of almost 4 month old twins??

I am a schedule kinda person and would love it if the twins cooperated. It has been tough though since I just started bfeeding the big guy, he isn't eating the same as he used to. He seems to want to eat more so I feed him more since I figure maybe he isn't getting enough. Its so hard to tell how much he is taking. I still pump for the little guy but only like 3 times a day. I was worried I would start to lose my milk but so far so good. I think all the bfeeding of the big guy all day keeps my supply up.

I just hope I can maintain my milk supply for both of them for at least a year. Since I plan to be home with them until they are 9 months old, I think the last 3 months will be the hardest, since that is when I will have to pump at work.

Hopefully before then the little guy will be able to breastfeed as well and I can get a break from pumping. Finding time to pump is hard when you have two babies wanting to be held.

Breastfeeding Update...

Today I got the ok from the pediatrician to exclusively breastfeed the big guy. We have been practicing and until it gets closer to the time I will be going back to work, we are going to limit his bottlefeeding to only when I am not around to breastfeed him. Then, we will proceed with my original plan. So far, it has been great! I was able to breastfeed him once we were in the room waiting for the doctor and we had no meltdowns (like we usually do) he is also much happier afterwards as opposed to when he gets the bottle. The little guy still gets his 10 minute sessions once per day, and he enjoys them. I am also pumping 6 times per day taking a break at night when they sleep, so its more manageable. I think I just might be able to do this! My goal is to provide breastmilk (one way or the other) for at least a year...4 months down, 8 to go!

To Breastfeed, or Not to Breastfeed...

Let me start out by saying that breastfeeding/pumping in itself is not easy. Its exhausting, time consuming, and requires a ton of patience. Breastfeeding or pumping for twins...just plain crazy! But I insisted I'd do it.

When the twins were born we immediately asked for a lactation consultant so we can discuss my breastfeeding options. I knew since they were preemies it was going to be difficult, but I wanted to try. I really did not want to formula feed our babies.

The only part about my whole hospital stay and delivery that I LOVED were the lactation consultants. They were so helpful, offering daily one on one with each baby, lots of tips, and they gave me so much free stuff! When you have babies in the NICU and want to breastfeed they provide you with everything you need to get started (minus the pump). I got 4 Med.ela pumping kits to connect to the hospital pumps, 4 sets of Breastshields with the connectors and membranes, bags for steaming your equipment, nipple cream, wipes to clean your pump before and after use, extra tubing, nipple shields for when I practice latching, and unlimited bottles and bags for freezing the milk. I stocked up while we were there and still have a good 6 months worth of supplies. Aside from the supplies, they were immensely helpful with the breastfeeding and pumping.

Since the little guy was on oxygen and needed his breastmilk fortified every feed, I didn't want to breastfeed him right away. So, I started working with the big guy while he was still in the NICU, but it was frustrating for us both. His latch was good but his mouth was still too small. We tried using nipple shields but the one that fit me was still too big for him to handle. We tried about once a day and he probably actually fed once for like 15 minutes. I was a little disappointed that we weren't able to do it, but figured we'd try at home when he was bigger.

The problem is, by the time they made it home, they had 2 months of bottlefeeding (I have been only pumping since they were born). Usually once they have been bottlefed for so long they don't like to breastfeed because it takes more work as opposed to the bottle that just drips into their mouths. We tried anyway.

The first month didn't go so well. He literally ripped the skin right off leaving me raw! Not fun. It took a little over a week to heal and I still had to pump despite the pain, so as not to lose my milk supply. I swore I was done with breastfeeding! But I waited awhile and when it seemed like we were both ready I tried again, and again, and again. Each time the pain was less. We probably "practiced" like once a week. I didn't think we'd ever get to the point where he'd actually be satisfied with just the breastfeeding, but I wanted him to get familiar with it. My goal was really just to be able to comfort him long enough for our car bottle warmer to warm his bottle so he isn't crying the whole time.

Once he reached "term" which was the date he was supposed to be born, our sessions started to get much better and about 3 months after he was born (1 month after his actual due date) he finally breastfed and fell asleep (meaning he ate enough to be satisfied). I could not believe it. It took 3 months!!

This whole time I only worked with him because I figured the little guy couldn't do it if the big guy wasn't able to. Once the big guy finally fed and fell asleep, I wanted to try with the little guy. He was off his oxygen, making it easier, and he was already 3 months old, so he was bigger. I wasn't sure how he'd do since we never even practiced, so I didn't expect much.

The first time he rooted for it but did not latch, so I gave him his bottle. The next day we tried again and he latched and ate for like 10 minutes! The problem is, because he is smaller we have to fortify every bottle with the human milk fortifier (HMF) so I can't exclusively breastfeed him for a whole meal until he is off the HMF.

This is where it gets tricky. At this point I could exclusively breastfeed the big guy and pump for the little guy (after he gets his 10 minute session) but, I'd be feeding and pumping ALL day! And there are pros and cons to each.

Breastfeeding PRO: The reason I kept at the breastfeeding was so that I wouldn't be chained to my pump and we could actually go somewhere. When the babies got hungry I could just breastfeed them until their bottles were ready (or they were satisfied).

Breastfeeding CON: If I were to only breastfeed I would lose my extra milk supply because your body works on the supply and demand philosophy. So if the babies are only eating so much, my body would eventually go back to only making what they eat.

Pumping PRO: The only thing good about pumping is that I know exactly how much milk they are getting. Also, I know that I can pump more than they eat so I can always have milk to store (for when I go back to work).

Pumping CON: I pump every 3 hours and from start to finish it took about an hour. So really, I only had 2 hours before I had to do it again. I even bought a travel charger to use my pump in the car while my wife drove if we were going to be out longer. Its a total pain in the ass! We already have a ton of crap to take with us anywhere and then we had my pumping stuff. I had to take my pump, bottles, pumping equipment, an ice pack and cooler to keep my expressed milk cold, and bags to put my used shields in when I was done.

The other thing is all the washing. I now have 8 sets of shields and a ton of bottles so that we don't have to wash my stuff each time I pump, but its still extra stuff to wash, dry and put away. Whereas, if you breastfeed to just pop out the boob and then put it back. Nothing to wash, nothing to carry.

Yesterday I breastfed the big guy all day not giving him a bottle at all and then I pumped for the little guy once I was done with each feeding, and I was exhausted!! But it went fairly well.

So I have decided to just do both. I'm going to breastfeed the big guy in the morning, (like I would before I go to work), give him 3 bottles throughout the day (when I would be at work) and then breastfeed him again in the evening and before bed (when I'd be home from work). I would still pump while at work and after every other breastfeeding session with the big guy. This should give me enough milk for both their bottles and a little extra for storage. As for the little guy, I will give him 10 minutes before his evening feed to keep him familiar with it until he is off the HMF and I can breastfeed him the same as the big guy. Hopefully everyone cooperates with Mama's new plan...Wish us luck!