Happy New Year!

In 2009 I became a mom to two beautiful little boys. It can easily be described as the best year of my life. Tonight, as we say goodbye to the year that brought us so many wonderful moments, I will hold them close and be thankful. Thankful that we've made it through all the craziness that is pregnany, childbirth, and preemie twins! Thankful that despite all the difficulties, I now have two happy, healthy babies and can sleep easier at night knowing they will be ok. While I am looking forward to the many milestones that 2010 will bring, I am still living in each moment and trying my best not to rush into the next one.

Tonight I celebrate the close of this year with a happy heart and a full house and for that I am most thankful.

To my boys: You are the best little babies a Mama could ask for and I wish you both a happy and healthy 2010. May you each feel how special you are to me. I love you both so much and though I will miss spending every waking hour with you, I promise to make the time we do have together even sweeter.

Happy New Year!

Crash and Burn

Want to call someone and ask them to please rob you of $2400? I do! I'll even ask for their address and mail them a check... better yet, here is my credit card number so you can have it all today!

Yup $2400 is what its going to cost me to get all the data off the hard drive on my computer that decided to crash on me. Apparently there is some mechanical failure and we are lucky if they can restore 90% of our data.

All this because we didn't back up our files onto DVDs, CDs, an external hard drive, etc. Lesson learned my friends, lesson learned.

Guess who will be buying DVDs in bulk?

...Yeah, this game sucks!

All I know is this: Every last photo and video we have taken of our twin boys since the day their little arms and legs came out of me is on that hard drive, and while I'm sure there is some IT guy around the corner that could try and hack into my drive and get me those files, I'm not taking any chances of having them deleted and so we are going straight to the experts - even if it means I have to hand over my arms and legs as payment - which they are happy to take so long as its in 4 payments or less.

One Week Left

So the countdown has officially begun. I have 6 days left as a "Stay-At-Home" Mama. I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. In the beginning it seemed to go much slower and felt like I had all the time in the world, but towards the end it was like we were skipping days at a time!

I am sad, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. I have taken a total of 12 months off. I took 3 months off in the beginning of my pregnancy due to severe hyperemesis (really really bad morning sickness) and 9 months after the twins were born. The last time I was at work I was 7.5 months pregnant with twins. It was a Friday, and I left work at 2pm to head over to see my nutritionist (for gestational diabetes) and then to my OB for my 30 week check-up (though I was a few days early). I had planned to have a pregnancy massage that weekend and just relax and try and get some much needed rest.

This was the appointment where my bloodpressure was SKY high and I was rushed over to the hospital to be admitted and possibly deliver my twins that night. I ended up being on bedrest for a week before I was forced to deliver my boys at 30 weeks 5 days due to Pre-Eclampsia and H.E.L.L.P. syndrome. It was a scary week, and even scarier couple of months afterwards, but I'm thankful that this story has a happy ending and the fact that I will be going back to work as a Mama to two living, breathing, crawling boys is crazy and amazing all wrapped in one.

My biggest concern about going back is how the logistics of pumping will go and whether or not I will be able to pump enough milk to provide for both babies. I hope I can figure out a good pumping schedule my first week back so that I can have it set in motion when I transfer over to my new job the next week. I am hoping that by only working 4 days (I will be taking Fridays off), I can resume nursing while I am home for 3 days, and maintain my milk supply. I'm anticipating it will be a major pain in the ass to lug my big'ol commercial grade pump to work everyday, but if it gets me just 3 more months, it will be worth all the hassle.

Since we will be introducing more solids (or mushies) it is my hope that the boys will start to need less milk (or at least not more) so that we can avoid having to supplement with formula. We tried using it the day they came home from the NICU and they got horrible rashes instantly so we stopped using it that day. While I think they may tolerate it a little better given their age, I really don't want to go there unless absolutely necessary. I've been pumping like a mad woman to keep my supply going strong, so I think I should be ok.

The hardest part is going to be walking out the door. I haven't decided if I will say "bye bye" or just sneak out. I don't want to make a big ordeal about leaving them but I can't imagine not getting a hundred kisses before I go. I already told my mom I'd be calling to check on them when I pump, and I want to have my webcam set up ASAP so I can get a peak at them from time to time. I never thought going back to work would be so hard. It was always a part of the "plan" but it all seemed easier in theory. Now that I am at that point, I'm wondering why I didn't make a better plan! One that included us winning the lottery and me being able to stay home with my boys. ;)

Well back to reality! It is what it is and I am just going to make the most of the days I have left. I guess I can't really complain since I actually got more time than I had planned for given their long NICU stays, I should technically have been back to work 3 months ago!

Our first Christmas...

...as a family of FOUR! I still can't believe it. Its like the new toy that never gets old.

Christmas morning my wife brought the boys, all decked out in their new Christmas jammies, to our bed while I slept. I got to wake up to two smiling, laughing, toe sucking, babbling faces! This alone was the best gift I could ever get. After several rounds of "good morning" kisses, we made our way to the opening of the Christmas stockings. My wife recorded while I helped the little guy with his stocking and then we switched so she could help the big guy. It is times like this, where having TWO babies comes in handy! As expected, the boys could care less about the gifts, and spent their entire time trying to eat every last piece of wrapping paper.

When we were done, we went over to the living room so I could pump (yup, even on Christmas), while my wife and I opened our gifts to eachother as the babies played and watched from their saucers. My favorite gifts from my wife were two web cams (one to set up at home and one to set up at work) so I can see the babies and they could see me once I'm back at work, a digital photo keychain with 50 photos of us and the boys loaded up on it, and a portable DVD player to take with me to work so that I can watch videos of the boys while I am in the lactation room pumping. Needless to say, I cried. Not just at the thoughtfulness of her gifts, but the fact that I will need all these things to stay and feel close to my babies, since I will no longer be just an arms length away. *sigh* I miss them already.

After we opened our gifts we fed the boys and got ready to go. Our first stop was my moms house. We didn't actually go in because they are all sick with colds and the flu, but we wanted to drop off their gifts and my mom wanted to come out so she could look through the car window and see the boys in their Christmas jammies. Poor grandma!

We then headed off to my mother-in-law's house and had a delicious breakfast followed by the opening of 200 gifts. Yes, there were over 200 gifts under the tree! and its not like they have a big family. Its only my wife and her brother and they have 2 kids and we have our boys. Its just that my MIL loves to shop and likes for everyone to open a ton of gifts, so she goes nuts during the holidays. If we didn't pay attention, we could have lost one of the boys in the mountains of paper and boxes that soon took over the living room. It took several hours for everybody to get through all their gifts, we even took a break to feed the boys and put them down for a short nap!

My favorite part of the day was watching our nieces and nephews play with the boys. Our nephew is 17 and niece is 13 and the boys just love them! It really is amazing that the boys don't have any problems going with them considering they don't see them that often. They are very sweet to them, and its funny to watch their whole family argue over whose turn it is to hold/play with them.

The boys had a great time and by the end of the day, they were exhausted! We tried to get them down for naps but with everything going on, they wouldn't stay asleep for long. They fell asleep in the car and when we got home, they ate and went straight to bed.

My wife and I took some time to process the events of the day and how lucky we are to have such beautiful boys. Christmas with our babies was everything I hoped it would be and more. I love being their Mama more than anything in the world and I hope they always feel how much I love them, even when they stop letting me shower them with kisses every second.

Catching up...

Today we took the boys to our local Children's Hospital so the little guy could be assessed on his developmental progress. Since the big guy wasn't on oxygen and didn't have any issues other then being born early, they only really check on the little guy. I'm fine with it since the big guy is a few steps ahead of his brother anyway, and I can use what I learn in the lil ones assessments to do my own with the big guy if I felt it were necessary.

The funny part is, they brought out this sheet of paper with different activities (crawling, standing, sitting and then crawling, etc.) that demonstrate where the boys should be by 9 months (so in about a month) and we both laughed because the big guy has been doing all these things since he was 7 months! Further demonstrating the fact that he doesn't need any physical or occupational therapy.

As for the little one, he did very well! He played with the two women as he was expected to and he passed all his assessments with good scores. They don't even want to see him for another 6-8 months! Of course we were relieved (and oh so proud of our little baby boy), because with 31 weekers, you are generally told to prepare yourself for delays and they offer lots of assistance both in-home and at the clinic. Luckily, we don't have to worry about scheduling any more appointments and can just enjoy the next few months without stressing over whether or not the little guy is where he should be.

As cheesy as it sounds my wife and I were just so proud of our little baby as we watched him play so good with complete strangers and take his first real test! One of the women even asked if he would cry if she took him from me and I wasn't even sure how to answer. I usually never hand him over to a stranger! But he wasn't phased by it at all, he just sat down and started taking her toys.

On another note, this was the longest we've been out with the boys (the appointment took about 5 hours) without any meltdowns! They didn't even cry or fuss once! They really enjoy going out now, and sit so quietly while in their carseats and stroller. At one point, I looked back as we were driving home and they were both asleep! *bliss* our babies are growing up!

Operation "Get a photo with Santa" COMPLETE!

Yes we did it! We trecked our butts off to the mall at 9am this morning to get the boys a photo with Santa. I looked up what time they open so we could get their early and avoid a line, and would you believe there were already people there! Ugh! The nerve! Luckily we only waited about 20 minutes before it was our turn and aside from the lady behind us coughing up a lung, it was pretty uneventful. I just don't get why people feel the need to spread their germs.

The little guy had a bottle and fell asleep 10 minutes into our wait so we had to wake him up for his photo shoot, and he wasn't exactly all smiles about it. The big guy wasn't sure what the heck was going on and wasn't amused by the photographer dressed like an elf and shouting his name at him. It doesn't really help that I hardly call them by their names!

All in all, the boys enjoyed their first mall experience and well, I survived it. I really hate the mall, even pre-twins, I just don't like being around so many people. Therefore, I am thankful that our yearly trip to the mall is now complete and we don't have to go back until next year, when Santa returns.

Here are the photos we bought and a few my wife took with our camera. Is it me, or did my babies turn into little boys overnight??

Baby Steps

Every year we have a Christmas dinner party with a group of about 10 of my very good friends. We started this tradition in high school (that is how long we have known eachother) and it used to be hosted by one of our moms each year. Over the last 12 years or so, we have been hosting it ourselves, every year in a different one of our homes.

For the last 2 years my wife and I hosted it in our home. We live pretty centrally to everyone and we enjoyed putting it together. This year, I decided hosting it at our place wouldn't work out for us with the boys. For several reasons, one being that 10-12 people in my house at once exceeds my germ quota (which right now -in the middle of RSV season- is about 2-3 people max - including us) and I would not be able to concentrate, and 2, the boys need to be able to go to sleep as they usually do and need quiet to do so.

Luckily, one of the girls happily took on the responsibility and offered up her place. Which brought on another issue....leaving the boys so we can BOTH go to this party. *sigh* I hate leaving the boys.

I never imagined it would be so hard...and if you've read back to "A Long Day" you will see that our first night out without the boys did not go so well.

Now that the boys are a bit older and have a pretty good routine going we decided to try again. This time, my mom offered to watch them on her own, and since they are most comfortable with her than anyone else, we agreed.

The party was last night, and while we were having a really good time, I still couldn't help but worry that the boys were not.

We expected that the little guy would fall asleep quickly, as he usually does, and the big guy would need to be in arms until I came home. He is much more of a Mama's boy and really has a hard time when I'm gone. I can just tell from the look on his face when I get home that he has missed me dearly. My mom is very aware of this and was prepared to carry him in the Mo.by for as long as he needed it. This is the only reason I went at all.

Of course, the opposite occurred. The big guy was sooo good, and the lil one, well lets just say not.so.much. I called my mom around 8pm to check on them (we left the house at 6:30pm) and she said he was shouting/squawking at her and the big guy was playing nicely with my little sister (who came along to help out). I immediately offered to come home, but she said not to, that he was fine just not ready for bed. I did my best not to call back, because I know I would want to come home, but I asked my mom to text me with status updates.

The lil one ended up fighting her to go to bed and the big guy gave her no problems at all. By 10pm (2 hours later than usual) I got a text message that the boys were asleep. Which was right before I was about to leave to come home. We ended up staying until almost 11 since we knew the boys were ok and played a few games of Ta.boo.

When we got home they were still asleep and I was able to pump and go right to bed. It was really nice to get out and we were really thankful that my mom was able to watch the boys for us, but it melts my heart to think that the lil one had such a hard time. I'm glad we don't have any other plans to go out for a while and I hope that next time, they can be asleep before we leave so that my mom can just sit there and read or something until we get home.

Its funny that I never thought I'd be THIS mom, the one who doesn't like to leave her kids, that worries every second. I'm not sure if its because I was traumatized by the two months they spent in the NICU or if I would be this way even if we had a nice full-term, non-eventful delivery and brought our babies home 3 days after birth. I guess will never know. All I do know is that alot changes when you have kids. Everyday I learn something about myself that I didn't know was there.

I know I'm over protective and I expected that before I even got pregnant. Some would say I go overboard, and sometimes (most of the time) that is probably true, but I love these boys with every piece of me and I just can't help it. When I see other moms with their day-old newborns out and about I wish for just a small piece of their obliviousness. I wish I could be care-free and not have to worry about every little detail. But, it seems like as they get older, there is always something new to fear.

Creating Traditions

Being that its the twins first "everything" this year, we are trying to start our own family traditions by pulling from those we both grew up with and making up our own as we go along. So far, I am borrowing some of the newer traditions my mom started when my little sister was born (12 years ago) and putting my own twist on them.

One of the traditions she had started with my sis is to fill a jumbo sized stocking with all her gifts and on Christmas morning while she was asleep, sneak into her room and put the stocking filled with gifts on her bed with her. When she would wake up she would be so excited to open her gifts and always surprised Santa was able to sneak it in without waking her.


This year I got the boys their own jumbo stockings from Pott.ery.Bar.N and planned on filling them with all their wrapped gifts and sneaking them into their nursery Christmas morning. This doesn't really make sense this year since they are babies and #1 too small to get out of bed and be excited to open gifts, and #2 the stocking is much bigger than they are and could be dangerous if placed in their crib. So for this year we will bring the babies out and just take photos of them with their stockings and opening their gifts with our help. It should be neat to see them with this huge stocking, and over the years watch as they grow bigger and the stocking looks smaller.

We are also going to start collecting ornaments for them. Every year we are going to get them one ornament each (for them to open on Christmas Eve and add to the tree) something symbolic of their life in that year. The idea is to collect them over the years so that when they are older and have their own family and trees, we will give them their lifetime collection of ornaments to take with them. This year I had ornaments made for them that have their names and "Twins 1st Christmas'' written on them with the year.

I wanted to do the Christmas Jammies as a gift they could open on Christmas Eve and wear that night, but there were just so many cute designs that I bought several (way too many) sets of jammies and had them start wearing them on Dec 1st! Luckily, I saved one last pair as their gift on Christmas Eve so they could wear a new set that night. ;)

When they get older I want to do the "leave some cookies for santa" bit and make fresh cookies with the boys. That way Mommy and I can have a little snack as we stay up wrapping!

Christmas just got so much more exciting now that the boys are here! I can't wait to watch them open their gifts this year and try and eat all that paper!

8 Months and Flying By! (Warning: SUPER Long post)

So I've turned into one of those people who started off blogging pretty regularly to now going over a month without a word! I just can't believe its been a month... time is really flying by now!

With the holidays upon us, the boys CRAWLING and me getting ready to go back to work after about a year off... I am all over the place...literally!

I'm going to try and do one LONG catch up post and then I will add/update the photos on the next run. Lets start with an update on my boys:

They are crawling! I can't believe it! One day we were sitting over them calmly as they lay on the ground playing with their toys and the next, I'm chasing the big guy and trying to keep him in the living room and out from underneath the desk! Gone are the days where I can lay them down and expect to find them in the same spot in five minutes. The lil guy crawls backwards...its so funny! He is like a worm, lying on his back he pushes with his feet and inches along all the while looking where he is going practically upside down on his head. Its the craziest thing. The big guy is full up on his knees and jammin. He is also lifting himself up using the crib rails and sitting up like its nobody's business.

This last month has been so much fun, and I feel like everyday is going by faster and faster. The first 3 months were the longest but it seems like these last 3 have really flown by. In 4 months we will be celebrating their first birthday... I still can't believe it.

We have been getting the babies their RSV shots every month, and I think thats been helping to keep them healthy. We got our H1N1 shots in early November, and that was a mission but I felt better knowing we all (including my mom and little sister) got them, and it would hopefully help us in the event one of us got the virus. So far, I think that was the most crowded place we have ever taken the boys, and anxiety was running high on my end. I even yelled at a worker for smoking nearby (and I mean YELL, where the 100,000 people in line all got quiet and looked at the crazy lady with the baby strapped to her chest). Yup, that is who I've become. But really, who smokes in front of a bunch of people waiting in line for something to help them avoid getting sick! Geez mister, use some damn common sense!

Luckily, nobody in our house has gotten sick, including the babies in their whole 8 months, so I am pretty happy about that. I don't think I have ever taken such good care of myself not t0 mention that I have NEVER gotten a flu shot until now. Its amazing the things you do for your kids. I really don't believe they work, and really, its just the flu so I never thought it was big deal if I got it, but with two little ones (one with Chronic Lung Disease), I will do whatever our doctor says if it means one more month that they get to grow and be healthy and not be dealing with an illness.

The little guy has been amazingly good with all his health issues, that I am afraid to even type this so as not to jinx it! His breathing has been so good that we have taken him off his monitor at night and really just have it in case he were to get sick. He hasn't needed his oxygen in months, and so far his growth is right up there with his brother, they are within a few ounces of eachother for the first time since they were born. 17 pounds and counting! He still gets one breathing treatment every morning, but aside from that, he is your average (small) baby. Wow, I never thought we'd get here.

I am still breastfeeding/pumping exclusively which even I am amazed at! My mom jokes that she never thought I'd still be b'feeding AND pumping this long and for TWINS! Ha! I'm showing her! In her defense, I'm so not the "breastfeed beyond the point where your kids have teeth" type of girl! Did I mention the lil guy has a tooth? a very sharp tooth at that!

Yeah well he doesn't get his milk straight from the source anymore, but I do pump 4-5 times daily so that he gets his fair share. He never really was a good nurser, and with that lil shark tooth sprouting so early, he was cutoff and I think we are both ok with that. I will pump for him for as long as I nurse his brother and when I'm done, they will both be done. I have been trying not to set any long-term goals with the whole breastfeeding thing, just because until now, its been pretty easy because I am home and I can pump and nurse whenever I need to, but when I go back to work that will be a different story. My unofficial goal is 14 months (a year +2 months, to make up for the 2 months they were early) but I'm happy I've made it this long and will take what I can get. So far my milk supply has been abundant (I think all the extra pumping has kicked it up a notch) so I am starting to freeze again for when I go back to work.

The boys also started eating by mouth. So far we haven't tried much other than rice cereal, oatmeal and little sweet potato on Thanksgiving, but we bought a babyfood maker that should be coming in soon, and my mom and I are going to try making our own food and freezing it. We'll see how that works out, if you know me, you know I'm totally not the "make your own baby food" type of girl either, so this should be interesting. I think its just another reason to buy a kitchen gadget and at least my mom is excited to use it!

Speaking of Thanksgiving... it was the boys first big holiday and I was especially thankful to have them in my arms this year, rather than in my belly. I was so sick last year, I skipped Thanksgiving alltogether! What a difference a year makes. Of course, I spent most of the day in awe of the fact that they are here, they are healthy and counting my blessings that I get to be their Mama. I pulled out their ultrasound pictures and I know I say this all the time, but it really is crazy that they are here, in my arms, trying to eat my face, HERE! God I love these boys!

This month also marked their "out longer than in month" since I delivered at 31 weeks they have officially been in our lives longer than in my belly, again, I enjoy them so much better on the outside! Its so crazy how much has happened and changed since they have been born, I am doing things I have never thought I would do, and I feel like a totally different person now. In a way, I think I am a different person, and I think that is natural considering how much has changed in my life over the past year, and I couldn't be happier.

I especially love this time of year and the fact that the boys are big enough to experience a little of it is just a bonus. Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year, but this year I got a really late start on all my decorating (on account of two little people I have to chase around all day) but tonight we set up our little tree (and I mean little, like the boys are about as tall as our tree, little) and got all our stuff out. Now that the boys are crawling, and their gigantic saucers, jumperoos, and playmats are taking up all our floor space, we opted for a small (tiny) tree that we can put on top of our ottoman. It looks nice, and is perfect for their "first" tree. So far they were very interested in it as I decorated and put the lights on. Let's hope they don't knock it off the table!

We still have to hunt down Santa to get their first Santa photo, but I'm so not looking forward to it! I hate the mall, and the boys so far have never even been there, but I may try and do it during the week like right when they open to avoid the holiday rush. We haven't even sent our Christmas cards yet on account of the boys new found mobility, its hard to get them still enough to get a good photo! I think I may just go with a photo of them crawling away, that should capture this time in our lives perfectly!

Lastly, I've been dealing with the fact that my days as a stay at home Mama are counted and running out very quickly. I go back to work on January 4, 2010. If you count the 3 months I was off work due to crazy morning sickness, it will be a year that I've been home. Some people are lucky if they get 6 weeks, so I know I am blessed and I am grateful for all this time every.single.day. I go back with mixed feelings though, I do miss my friends at work, and being able to conversate about something other than a poop diaper. It seems like forever since I've even sat at my desk and I know its going to be hard to walk out the door knowing it will be hours before I return. I'm trying not to think about it too much and just enjoy every second I get to be home, but its tugging on my heart even when I'm not looking.

I've gone on this insane shopping spree both in stores and online replacing my entire work wardrobe (since I've lost so much weight b'feeding, I am now MUCH smaller than before I got pregnant) but I think I've gone overboard! Well, I know I have! My mom says its my way of making my transition back to work a little easier but I know that it won't matter what I wear, it will still be drenched in tears as I drive away. I am trying to take comfort in knowing my boys are in good hands, my mom has been here everyday for 4.5 months helping me take care of them, and learning everything there is to know about them so that she is ready to fly solo when I go back. She loves them more than anyone else (aside from us of course) and they love her too! She has seen how I do things, and has either found her own way or copied mine and it works. The boys look for her every morning and I think they will handle the transition much better than I will. I am happy that they will get to stay in their own environment, they will keep their schedule (or lack of schedule) and for them the only thing different will be that I am not here. I know, minor detail right.

The good news is, I got a new job! With my same company but in a different department. Who gets a promotion while on maternity leave you ask? ME! I must have been a seriously good person in another life because this could not come at a better time. My job, though I loved it, was not family-friendly AT ALL. I worked insane hours under huge amounts of stress and there was no room for trivial things... like lunch! I was already preparing my speech to my boss about work-life balance and how I must be home everyday BEFORE my babies go to sleep, and then one fine day in October, I get a call from a very good friend of mine who works at the same company and she offered me a job in her group with more pay, a better title and the best part... NO interview! Sold!

It truly was a no brainer since I had worked with her before, when I first started with the company, and we worked really well together. Its actually how we became friends. She is a great friend and knows everything I've been through with the twins and about my wanting to be home more. She and her wife were at our baby shower (which ended up being after the twins were born) and were 2 of the very few people we allowed over to visit the boys shortly after they came home from the NICU. And yup, I said her WIFE. Could it be more perfect? She also agreed on a reduced schedule (Fridays off) and gave me a week in my old department to pack my stuff and transition over to her group, which means my first week I can go home early if I am having a hard time, since I won't have any work.

So, while I know leaving my babies everyday is going to be tough, I am doing so under the best possible circumstances. The boys are big and healthy enough that I am comfortable leaving them, I have my wonderful mom to love and care for my babies while I'm gone, I have a new job that I know I'm going to love, and tons of new clothes to wear. If that doesn't do the trick... nothing will!