Baby Steps

Every year we have a Christmas dinner party with a group of about 10 of my very good friends. We started this tradition in high school (that is how long we have known eachother) and it used to be hosted by one of our moms each year. Over the last 12 years or so, we have been hosting it ourselves, every year in a different one of our homes.

For the last 2 years my wife and I hosted it in our home. We live pretty centrally to everyone and we enjoyed putting it together. This year, I decided hosting it at our place wouldn't work out for us with the boys. For several reasons, one being that 10-12 people in my house at once exceeds my germ quota (which right now -in the middle of RSV season- is about 2-3 people max - including us) and I would not be able to concentrate, and 2, the boys need to be able to go to sleep as they usually do and need quiet to do so.

Luckily, one of the girls happily took on the responsibility and offered up her place. Which brought on another issue....leaving the boys so we can BOTH go to this party. *sigh* I hate leaving the boys.

I never imagined it would be so hard...and if you've read back to "A Long Day" you will see that our first night out without the boys did not go so well.

Now that the boys are a bit older and have a pretty good routine going we decided to try again. This time, my mom offered to watch them on her own, and since they are most comfortable with her than anyone else, we agreed.

The party was last night, and while we were having a really good time, I still couldn't help but worry that the boys were not.

We expected that the little guy would fall asleep quickly, as he usually does, and the big guy would need to be in arms until I came home. He is much more of a Mama's boy and really has a hard time when I'm gone. I can just tell from the look on his face when I get home that he has missed me dearly. My mom is very aware of this and was prepared to carry him in the Mo.by for as long as he needed it. This is the only reason I went at all.

Of course, the opposite occurred. The big guy was sooo good, and the lil one, well lets just say not.so.much. I called my mom around 8pm to check on them (we left the house at 6:30pm) and she said he was shouting/squawking at her and the big guy was playing nicely with my little sister (who came along to help out). I immediately offered to come home, but she said not to, that he was fine just not ready for bed. I did my best not to call back, because I know I would want to come home, but I asked my mom to text me with status updates.

The lil one ended up fighting her to go to bed and the big guy gave her no problems at all. By 10pm (2 hours later than usual) I got a text message that the boys were asleep. Which was right before I was about to leave to come home. We ended up staying until almost 11 since we knew the boys were ok and played a few games of Ta.boo.

When we got home they were still asleep and I was able to pump and go right to bed. It was really nice to get out and we were really thankful that my mom was able to watch the boys for us, but it melts my heart to think that the lil one had such a hard time. I'm glad we don't have any other plans to go out for a while and I hope that next time, they can be asleep before we leave so that my mom can just sit there and read or something until we get home.

Its funny that I never thought I'd be THIS mom, the one who doesn't like to leave her kids, that worries every second. I'm not sure if its because I was traumatized by the two months they spent in the NICU or if I would be this way even if we had a nice full-term, non-eventful delivery and brought our babies home 3 days after birth. I guess will never know. All I do know is that alot changes when you have kids. Everyday I learn something about myself that I didn't know was there.

I know I'm over protective and I expected that before I even got pregnant. Some would say I go overboard, and sometimes (most of the time) that is probably true, but I love these boys with every piece of me and I just can't help it. When I see other moms with their day-old newborns out and about I wish for just a small piece of their obliviousness. I wish I could be care-free and not have to worry about every little detail. But, it seems like as they get older, there is always something new to fear.