Reminiscing

Going back to work has made me feel like I did when the twins first came home from the hospital...EXHAUSTED!

Though I really love my new job, by the time I get there, I already feel like I worked a full day. Since I have to pump for two, I am still having to get up throughout the night/early morning to pump so that I can leave enough milk for both without having to go into our freezer storage (which I am saving for emergency use only). The boys each get 5 ounces every 3 hours plus three snacks which consist of either rice cereal, oatmeal, or solid foods mixed with about 2 ounces of milk (solids need less milk) bringing their milk intake to a whopping 40 ounces JUST for the time that I am at work. So while everyone is asleep, I MUST drag my butt out of bed to pump.

My day officially starts at 4-4:30am when I start my second pumping of the day (I also pump at 1am), by 5am I am supposed to be in the shower and getting ready for work. This may or may not happen depending on whether one or two babies are awake and in need of breakfast. My wife and I switch off with baby duties so we can both get ready for work. She leaves before I do, so I have to do the stuff I can't do while alone with them before she leaves (like pump and shower). Then I juggle getting ready while trying to keep one or both babies entertained long enough before I can rock them back to sleep. She usually gets the lil guy back to sleep before she leaves so that I only have the big guy awake on my own.

My mom gets to our house at 7:30am and usually one or both babies are asleep. I leave as soon as she gets there so that I can be at work by 8am. So far, I've only been late once by like 20 minutes, so my routine is working out pretty well. Once I get to work I go through my email and list of "to dos" and plan my day. By 9am I wheel my very big bag of tricks down to the lactation room for my first pumping of my work day. Luckily, I have a blackberry which is nice because we have an IM system at work so that even though I'm not at my desk I can still connect with the people I need to. I usually take my work with me to the lactation room and do what I can and send out emails. I also use my pumping time to check in on the boys and see how their days are going.

By 10am I am back at my desk. So far I have a ton of meetings to go to so I usually don't get to spend much time actually sitting at my desk. Since 10am is a popular meeting time, I am usually in a meeting until about noon.

Which is my next pumping time, so I run down to the cafeteria to grab some lunch and take it with me to eat while I pump.

By 1pm I am finally able to get some work done (if I'm not in another meeting) and I get through as much of my "to do" list as possible. What I love about my job is that I am surrounded by smart people who are willing to share their knowledge, so I have learned to pick their brains as much as I can.

At around 3pm I go down for my last pumping session of my work day and I try to take reading material with me to wind down. Since I work in the regulatory arena, there are always a multitude of briefs and filings to read, so I always have something new.

When 4pm rolls around I go back to my desk (though lately I've had meetings) and start organizing myself for the next day. I respond to emails, send off any projects I've been working on to the appropriate recipients, and make my "to do" list for the next day. If my boss is in her office, I will check-in with her and then head home.

That is my half way point.

As soon as I walk in the door, I run to my room to change and wash-up (a must after coming home from a germy office where every other person is coughing). Then I spend a little time with the babies and the wife, and try and eat a very quick dinner before I sit down to pump. As soon as I am done pumping I have about an hour of play time with the kiddos before we start their bedtime routine. I usually nurse the big guy til he falls asleep while my wife gives the lil one a bottle. As soon as the big guy falls asleep I jump out of bed and try to catch the lil one before he goes to sleep and if I can, I take over his feeding or rocking so I can get some one-on-one with him too.

Once both babies are asleep its about 9pm and time to pump. I sit at the computer while I pump and talk with my wife about our days. She is usually washing dishes, and going through my work bag to take out the pumping gear I used throughout the day and replace it with freshly washed ones for the next day. As soon as I'm done we head straight to bed. I get about 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (less if the big guy wakes up to nurse) before I have to get up to pump again, and then another 2 hours after that. During the time that I pump my wife sleeps with the big guy and goes back and forth between him and the lil one rocking them back to sleep if they wake up.

At 1am I get up to pump again....rinse and repeat.

While I am very thankful that we are at 9.5 months and I am still able to provide breastmilk exclusively for my boys, I won't pretend that it is by any means easy. There are days that I just want to toss my pump out the window and buy a case of formula on my way home. Of course I come to my senses and continue with my routine, but sometimes just the thought of the freedom from my pump is exciting.

Its not that I think formula is bad, I was formula fed as a baby, its just that being able to breastfeed my babies is the only part of this whole process that I have been able to control - from pregnancy to delivery and beyond, nothing went as planned. This is something I've always wanted to give to my babies, and luckily I have been able to do so, and that is why I stick with it.

So many people have asked how long I plan to breastfeed and saying my goal out loud is very daunting, and so I've changed it. For now, my goal is one week. Every Monday I say to myself that I just need to do it for one more week.

By the end of next week, I will have completed my first month pumping while working. While its been harder than I thought it would be, I've survived so far and hope that I can hang on just a little longer.